Avoiding Divorce
Obviously, I don't know your personal circumstances, so I can only speak in generalities.
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Let me say first, while I still have your attention, that my book offers lots of insights into marriage that go beyond just the usual advice to be a better listener or about being more romantic. I'm glad that others have some good tips in these areas.
Let me say first, while I still have your attention, that my book offers lots of insights into marriage that go beyond just the usual advice to be a better listener or about being more romantic. I'm glad that others have some good tips in these areas.
But what I do is something a little different: I look at the nature of men and women and the history of the misunderstanding between men and women. With a little bit of understanding, we can stand back and get the big picture.
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There is a profound aspect to humans--we are more than just physical forms, we also have a soul. And the coming together of two humans is not a casual thing.
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There is a profound aspect to humans--we are more than just physical forms, we also have a soul. And the coming together of two humans is not a casual thing.
For one thing, humans are very sensitive creatures. Another thing: people have a history and bring baggage into the marriage. Finally, there is something between men and women that began back in the Garden of Eden. Since we are all humans, none of us escape the legacy of Adam and Eve.
Marriage is thus a setting in which to work out our differences, learn to be unselfish, and discover the meaning of life.
There is no way I can even scratch the surface in one blog, let alone one book. But I must say that my book offers some very helpful clues. Plus it is a good read!
Let me address myself first to relatively newly weds (people who have been married for less than 5 to 10 year). You have been married long enough to discover that every marriage has issues that arise. It's not so much the disagreements, the fights over money, or the jousting for control. It's not so much the differences in goals or viewpoints.
What is key is first of all: sooner or later every person discovers that they are selfish. That they want their needs met and that they become resentful when their needs are not met.
Marriage is thus a setting in which to work out our differences, learn to be unselfish, and discover the meaning of life.
There is no way I can even scratch the surface in one blog, let alone one book. But I must say that my book offers some very helpful clues. Plus it is a good read!
Let me address myself first to relatively newly weds (people who have been married for less than 5 to 10 year). You have been married long enough to discover that every marriage has issues that arise. It's not so much the disagreements, the fights over money, or the jousting for control. It's not so much the differences in goals or viewpoints.
What is key is first of all: sooner or later every person discovers that they are selfish. That they want their needs met and that they become resentful when their needs are not met.
We also discover that thoughts of escaping, divorcing, separating, starting anew come to mind. These thoughts either come out of nowhere, or they come to us from so-called friends, the media, the movies, the so-called experts and so on.
Understand this: those who cater to your ego (which they will do because they want something from you--either your approval or they want you to support them in their selfishness; or they want you to buy their services or books) will appeal to your selfishness. They will tell you what you want to hear. More often than not, nowadays, what they say favors breaking up or finding yourself.
Gone is the match maker, the wise aunt, or the elderly respected lady of the neighborhood who offers good advice and tells you to stay married.
Nowadays, you are on your own, or you are at the mercy of peers (who are just as lost as you are), vacant media types who don't have a clue, or so-called experts (whose own lives are often a mess).
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Remember: advice from strangers is from people who will not suffer the consequences of their advice. One nice lady resented her husband after 15 years of marriage. This lady went to a counselor (who was fresh out of graduate school and probably wasn't even married herself), who told her to divorce. The lady divorced her husband, ruined her life, ended up in poverty, and her health fell apart. She lost everything.
Incidentally I happen to know that her husband did not drink, take drugs, gamble, or womanize. He had a very successful business and was home every night. The kids were honor students and had no big issues.
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Let me tell you that nothing but misery and suffering were the result of the divorce. No, I'm not saying that if your spouse is violent, a drug user, a multiple offender criminal or adulterer that you have to stay with him or her.
But I am suggesting that if your spouse is basically decent, it might be a good idea for you to take a little marital attitude survey, before you rush off and do anything rash.
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Marital Attitude Questionnaire
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Please answer each question with yes or no.
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1. I resent my spouse.
2. I find myself secretly judging my spouse.
3. I have suppressed anger and hostility toward my spouse.
4. He/she irritates me.
5. I feel bitter about what has happened in my marriage.
6. I resent my dad for not having been there for me.
7. I am jealous of other people, who seem to be having more fun than me.
8. My mom resented my dad and now I feel the same about my husband.
9. I feel like I am enabling my spouse's issues.
10. I can't forgive him/her for what he/she did.
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, it might be good to first look at your own resentment, because resentment colors your observations and makes it impossible to be objective.
If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, it also means that you are being stressed by unforgiveness. Remember, it's not so much what happens to us, but how we react to it. The stress of unforgiveness makes you nervous and increases your sensitivity to things. This makes it very hard to remain calm.
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Understand this: those who cater to your ego (which they will do because they want something from you--either your approval or they want you to support them in their selfishness; or they want you to buy their services or books) will appeal to your selfishness. They will tell you what you want to hear. More often than not, nowadays, what they say favors breaking up or finding yourself.
Gone is the match maker, the wise aunt, or the elderly respected lady of the neighborhood who offers good advice and tells you to stay married.
Nowadays, you are on your own, or you are at the mercy of peers (who are just as lost as you are), vacant media types who don't have a clue, or so-called experts (whose own lives are often a mess).
.
Remember: advice from strangers is from people who will not suffer the consequences of their advice. One nice lady resented her husband after 15 years of marriage. This lady went to a counselor (who was fresh out of graduate school and probably wasn't even married herself), who told her to divorce. The lady divorced her husband, ruined her life, ended up in poverty, and her health fell apart. She lost everything.
Incidentally I happen to know that her husband did not drink, take drugs, gamble, or womanize. He had a very successful business and was home every night. The kids were honor students and had no big issues.
...
Let me tell you that nothing but misery and suffering were the result of the divorce. No, I'm not saying that if your spouse is violent, a drug user, a multiple offender criminal or adulterer that you have to stay with him or her.
But I am suggesting that if your spouse is basically decent, it might be a good idea for you to take a little marital attitude survey, before you rush off and do anything rash.
.
Marital Attitude Questionnaire
.
Please answer each question with yes or no.
..
1. I resent my spouse.
2. I find myself secretly judging my spouse.
3. I have suppressed anger and hostility toward my spouse.
4. He/she irritates me.
5. I feel bitter about what has happened in my marriage.
6. I resent my dad for not having been there for me.
7. I am jealous of other people, who seem to be having more fun than me.
8. My mom resented my dad and now I feel the same about my husband.
9. I feel like I am enabling my spouse's issues.
10. I can't forgive him/her for what he/she did.
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, it might be good to first look at your own resentment, because resentment colors your observations and makes it impossible to be objective.
If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, it also means that you are being stressed by unforgiveness. Remember, it's not so much what happens to us, but how we react to it. The stress of unforgiveness makes you nervous and increases your sensitivity to things. This makes it very hard to remain calm.
I know: you've heard this all before. But I will say it again: one happy worker becomes resentful and unhappy when he accidentally finds out that one of his peers is making $10 a month more than he does. Yet Dr. Albert Schweitzer (the world famous humanitarian doctor to Africa) had very little and yet was happy. Throughout the world there are many sweet children who have very little and yet are happy.
In fact, remember when you were a little child. You could find happiness and joy in playing with some pebbles or drawing with your crayons. When something happened and the tears came, it only took a few minutes for the clouds to clear, the sunshine to come out, and laughter to return.
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So I ask you: what is the difference between you then and you now? The difference is one thing: Resentment.
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If there was one piece of advice I could give you it would be: Be more forgiving. Let go of resentment.
Read more. . . . . . . . . . . . .
In fact, remember when you were a little child. You could find happiness and joy in playing with some pebbles or drawing with your crayons. When something happened and the tears came, it only took a few minutes for the clouds to clear, the sunshine to come out, and laughter to return.
.
So I ask you: what is the difference between you then and you now? The difference is one thing: Resentment.
.
If there was one piece of advice I could give you it would be: Be more forgiving. Let go of resentment.
Read more. . . . . . . . . . . . .
