"We live in different worlds"

 This is a continuation of my previous blog about the lament "my marriage is over."

Like I said, if your partner is a really awful person and doing terrible things, then it may be best if it is over. But if your partner is a decent person, not perfect, but decent--then beware of voices in your head whispering negative or grandiose statements.

I have to be here as a voice of reason and at least help insure that you do not do something dumb. Bear in mind that divorce often means financial ruin. I have also seen it mean emotional ruin, harm the kids, and health ruin too.

Kids don't like divorce. If you have kids, read Between Two Worlds - the emotional life of children of divorce by Elizabeth Marquardt. Read the Unexpected legacy of Divorce - a 25 year landmark study by Judith Wallerstein.

I have zero tolerance for violence or abuse, and I have zero tolerance for drug use. I always encourage the parent to put her safety and her children's safety first and foremost. You need to get professional help and help from the authorities to protect yourself and your children from a violent or criminal spouse.

 But I am addressing this article to the average man or lady whose partner is decent.  There is no violence and no drug use--just a series of little things that become irritants or a lack of communication and feelings of having nothing in common.

I would prefer for you to hold off on a decision that your marriage is over, either a spoken decision or an interior feeling decision--if it is because of one of the typical reasons for the statement "my marriage is over" that you will find all over the Internet.

Don't get me wrong--these are real issues (and I venture to say that there are few married couples, who have been married more than a few years, who have not felt most or all of these probably hundreds of times over the years).

I'm just saying--don't be too quick to throw in the towel. And don't verbalize "our marriage is over"  to your partner (unless the judge had just signed the divorce decree--and even then there is such a thing as reconciliation).

So here is one of the very typical reasons that make a partner think the marriage is over

1. "We live in separate worlds."


I talk about this in my book Putting the Forever Back in Love. Different worlds is not always such a bad thing. It can even be a good thing. Winston Churchill once said that he wife and he started having breakfast together but they had to stop or it would have ruined their marriage.

One marriage mentor who does some funny skits abut marriage said that what most women want is for their husband to be like her girlfriend. So they can sit around and talk for hours about things that she and her girlfriend are interested in.

It's not going to happen. I love the books by John Gray, such as Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, and also Mars and Venus on a Date.

My top favorite is  Why Mars and Venus Collide.  You just have to read this book or re-read it.

It is a fun read, but it really makes the important point that men and women are wired differently and have different stresses, and hormonal responses to stress. His example about how a stressed out man needs to zone out on the couch when he comes home, and his stressed out wife needs to talk is a classic.

So, read my book and the John Gray books before you make any rash decisions.

Your friend,

Roland

Read the next article in the series:

"There is no intimacy in my marriage "

Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your computer, Android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.


Now here is the good part!


 Remember that I have a long standing offer. You can get any one of my ebooks sent to you by email as a token of my appreciation when you make a donation of any amount.

Many people don't know that I am a volunteer. I buy the airtime and internet time in order to be there to help people. Soooooo, any donation (yes, even a small donation like $2 is really appreciated by me).

So to take advantage of this offer, get a free eBook, and help keep this blog going--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!


Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better?

What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me – now what?

Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.




Click here to preview the paperback edition at Amazon.com


"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino    



Now available in Kindle!

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

Click here to preview at Amazon.com in Kindle edition

This book contains advanced concepts for coping with and resolving difficult relationship issues. 

If you liked The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage you will love this book.  

Been married for many years and have some issues? This is the book for you. 

Based in 24 years of research and counseling, Dr. Trujillo presents new insights and strategies for healing relationships and resolving stress and unhappiness. Partners, parents, couples considering marriage, and adult children of dysfunctional families will find both practical and spiritual principles to help them move forward to happiness.

Read an excerpt from the preface:

I am both a counselor and a spiritual care giver. I care about relationships and I also care about the spiritual side of life. The reader will find down to earth common sense relationship advice intermingled with references to God, the story of the Garden of Eden, and both Christian virtues and perennial philosophy principles such as forgiveness, patience, compassion and gentleness.

I say things the way I see them, and it is my hope that my forthrightness and unabashed love for God will not be an impediment, but will be a breath of fresh air and an occasion to think outside the box.

Just to give you a little preview, let's look at some of the aspects of the scene in the Garden of Eden and let's see if any of them can be found today in your current domestic scene, your parent's home or those around you.

Some people say that the Garden of Eden story is a myth, but I can see that it is not a myth because I see the Garden of Eden story repeated all around me. An apple does not fall far from the tree, and so your modern day Adams and Eves continue to play out ancient roles, steeped in intrigue and ending in tragedy. Playing their role, they fight and squabble, their kids are unhappy, there is a divorce or a life of secret unhappiness and suppressed resentment, their health suffers, and they cannot figure out what went wrong.

This is particularly embarrassing to professionals, such as managers, doctors, nurses, accountants,   or psychologists.  

How embarrassing it is to have your own family fall apart, with kids on drugs and a divorce or painful breakups. Having access to professional counseling, meds, as well as thousands of relationship books on Kindle or the bookstore shelves didn't help.

Now back to the Garden of Eden. Let us look at the elements in the scene: the man, the woman, the spoken word, and food.

First, there was the spoken word—the serpent whispered to Eve and she spoke to Adam. Adam, of course, being the foolish ambitious guy that he was, listened to her. Adam didn't do what he know in his heart was right. Instead he listened to the suggestions of another.

Now how about today? Do we not all listen more to what others say than to our intuition? We doubt ourselves and follow experts. We are subject to the spoke word. How about you men – do you do what your wife says and walk around on egg shells, or do you do what you know is right in your heart? Is your wife in charge of everything around your place?

Adam, you see, not only became subject to the spoke word, but also to his wife.

Ladies, do you have a weak man? Would you like him to be the noble knight that you hoped he would be when you married? Instead your support of him only made him weaker, more beastly, and spoiled. Does he look to you for support instead of standing on his own two feet? Does he go off to the bar, gambling, or another woman, and then come crawling back?

Now the other element in the Garden of Eden was the food. Do we not all have food problems? Did your mom use food to impose her will, and was your dad too weak and too busy gobbling her delights to be there for you?

Believe it or not, there is a curse attached to food – a hypnotic state of mind associated with eating. People eat and go into a mild trance. They sleepwalk through life, doing what is whispered or suggested to them

Everywhere women are suffering because of the weakness of men. Kids are suffering because their dad was not there for them. And even decent people, who seem to have happy marriages or relationships, are often secretly unhappy. He feels trapped. She feels unloved.

There. Have I gotten your attention? Read on and you may discover the truth that sets you free from the subtle errors.

How true it was when Henry David Thoreau said: "Most people lead lives of quiet desperation."

Well, take heart. It doesn't have to be that way. There are answers and solutions that really work. But like I said, you need to be willing to stop the blame game for awhile, and be willing to see where you might be erring. If so, my book and my audio lectures will be a breath of fresh air. You might even ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after.

 Want Putting the Forever Back in Love in paperback? Click here to see it at Amazon

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