What Causes Marriages to Break Up
The following are excerpts from my popular article What is the Number One Cause of DivorceAre you stressed out? Have you noticed that when you are resentful, you become more sensitive to life's little issues? When you are stressed at work, do you come home and easily lose patience with your kids? Do you come home and resent your husband over some little things that he does?
Do you get angry at slow traffic or slow grocery lines? Would terms like "exasperated, nervous, irritated, or impatient" describe you?
If so, you are probably over-reacting. And the worst reaction of all is that of resentment. It sets you up for becoming increasingly sensitive to what you might otherwise take in stride. . . . . . . . . . . .
I can honestly tell you that the number one reason for marriage break ups and relationship problems is resentment.
.I understand why people become resentful. When things aren't going well or when others don't seem to understand us or our needs, that's when we need love, patience and understanding the most.
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We don't have it within because we are already destabilized and not in our center. So we look for love and understanding from others. And when they don't have it: we become resentful.
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What I have discovered in my 24 years of writing and talking to people about resentment is this: when things aren't going right, we look to change things on the outside.
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And of course our most frequent first choice is to try to change our partner.
But you have found that this doesn't work.
Whether it is your partner, your child, or your parent--trying to change another person makes things worse. Either people resist our manipulations and rebel; or else they fall for our manipulations and become weak and dependent.
So here is the answer. Instead of looking to the outside for love, or looking to the outside to try to change someone, I have found that it is most helpful to first look at two things: one, our resentment; and two, our over-reactions that destabilize us in the first place.
.Another thing--resentment ushers in a cascade of emotions, like anger, frustration, unhappiness, and bitterness. It can also lead to suppression and repression, guilt, and feeling trapped. Then there are the physical symptoms that are contributed to by resentment.
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Bottom line: a lot of times when we don't like ourselves--it is actually resentment that is the initiating factor. Sooooooo, if you could just let go of the resentment . . . .
.If you could learn to stand back and observe others without resentment or upset--understanding, patience and compassion could enter the picture. Secondly, you would begin to see clearly (when the emotional fog has cleared) what is really going on. So you could make better, calmer, and reasonable decisions.
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"A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers."
-- Ruth Bell Graham.
People often say it is hard to let go of resentment. l can show you how to let go of resentment. I even have a little free meditation that helps you calm down and get started.
-- Ruth Bell Graham.
People often say it is hard to let go of resentment. l can show you how to let go of resentment. I even have a little free meditation that helps you calm down and get started.
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Being upset is a way of life for us. It supports our ego. If we did not have something to be upset over, we would become bored and would not even have motivation to do anything.
Most of us are motivated by upset, irritation, or pressure. We even use upset as a spur to activity. We then use the energy of resentment and anger to get a lot done. And after we have been upset, and then fatigued and tense, we use it as an excuse to "unwind."
Being upset is a way of life for us. It supports our ego. If we did not have something to be upset over, we would become bored and would not even have motivation to do anything.
Most of us are motivated by upset, irritation, or pressure. We even use upset as a spur to activity. We then use the energy of resentment and anger to get a lot done. And after we have been upset, and then fatigued and tense, we use it as an excuse to "unwind."
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We look forward to our after-work drink, our marijuana, pleasure or party. We become thirstier and hungrier when we are upset. Pleasure feels better when it takes away pain.
But if you were not upset, nervous, or tense in the first place, you would not need relief. Unnecessary pleasure or releases would feel unnatural. Billions of dollars a year a made on people's needs for pills, booze, drugs, vacations, and diversions. It's big business. Not to mention all the doctor bills and hospital bills when our excessive upsets and unnatural forms of relief catch up to us physically.
But if you were not upset, nervous, or tense in the first place, you would not need relief. Unnecessary pleasure or releases would feel unnatural. Billions of dollars a year a made on people's needs for pills, booze, drugs, vacations, and diversions. It's big business. Not to mention all the doctor bills and hospital bills when our excessive upsets and unnatural forms of relief catch up to us physically.
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Now you know: for most people, being upset, nervous irritated and angry, after which they seek pleasure and relief, is the only life they know.
But I assure you: there is a way of living without being upset, that is full of joy and true purpose. It begins when you learn how to not resent and be impatient with others.
The second reason why we are upset all the time is this: Most of us think we have a right to be upset.We think we have the right to judge and the right to resent. Upset adds an edge to our judgment and resentment. When you resent someone in line ahead of you for being slow, you can then "feel" that judgment as irritation. When your kids want something when you are trying to "unwind" after work, you resent their demands, become impatient, and then feel the resentment.
When your husband does not meet your needs, you can secretly resent him and judge his weaknesses. You can feel the upset (or the headache), and then get another round of ego boost by resenting him for "causing" your discomfort. Then your ego can get yet another ego high by feeling like a martyr, giving your service to an unappreciative good for nothing husband.
The second reason why we are upset all the time is this: Most of us think we have a right to be upset.We think we have the right to judge and the right to resent. Upset adds an edge to our judgment and resentment. When you resent someone in line ahead of you for being slow, you can then "feel" that judgment as irritation. When your kids want something when you are trying to "unwind" after work, you resent their demands, become impatient, and then feel the resentment.
When your husband does not meet your needs, you can secretly resent him and judge his weaknesses. You can feel the upset (or the headache), and then get another round of ego boost by resenting him for "causing" your discomfort. Then your ego can get yet another ego high by feeling like a martyr, giving your service to an unappreciative good for nothing husband.
Since we think we have a right to resent and judge, and since we use our upset for our ego and for intensification of pleasure, most of us do not want to give it up. Our whole life is built on upset. Yes, you have the right to resent, but is that really the human and compassionate way of living. How do you feel when others exercise their right to be angry and resentful toward you?
For some of us, it is only when our upsets lead to health problems, headaches, ulcers, ruined relationships, or addictions, that we are stopped short in our tracks long enough to see the need to give it up our right to resent.Some people just will not give up what is killing them. They go on reveling in irritations and secret hostility, and then pay the piper.
For some of us, it is only when our upsets lead to health problems, headaches, ulcers, ruined relationships, or addictions, that we are stopped short in our tracks long enough to see the need to give it up our right to resent.Some people just will not give up what is killing them. They go on reveling in irritations and secret hostility, and then pay the piper.
But there are some, and perhaps you are one of them, who do not like the way they are. They do not like their secret judgments. They see their anger and do not like it. They yearn to be kind and patient. They yearn to live the good life. But after years of over-reacting, they do not know how to stop reacting and being upset.
That is where someone like me can help. I know what you need. You need two things. First, how to be still. That is what our stillness meditation is for. It teaches you how to become still and re-find your center of dignity. When you re-find your own center of dignity, you will be able to flow from within; instead of reacting to externals and becoming upset.
Secondly, you need some basic training about emotions. You probably learned to become upset and emotional over things when you were a child. Chances are -- your mother was emotional and you picked it up from her. Most likely your dad was weak or a nonfactor. Dads are supposed to represent calmness and self control, and demonstrate how to live life with patience and courage without suppressing on the one hand or being angry on the other.
But now, years later, and suffering from your excesses, you are ready to chart a new course. Just trying to deal with the symptoms (such as being angry and upset) of resentment is not enough, you must must learn how to nip it in the bud before it has a chance to fester and ruin your marriage.
That is where someone like me can help. I know what you need. You need two things. First, how to be still. That is what our stillness meditation is for. It teaches you how to become still and re-find your center of dignity. When you re-find your own center of dignity, you will be able to flow from within; instead of reacting to externals and becoming upset.
Secondly, you need some basic training about emotions. You probably learned to become upset and emotional over things when you were a child. Chances are -- your mother was emotional and you picked it up from her. Most likely your dad was weak or a nonfactor. Dads are supposed to represent calmness and self control, and demonstrate how to live life with patience and courage without suppressing on the one hand or being angry on the other.
But now, years later, and suffering from your excesses, you are ready to chart a new course. Just trying to deal with the symptoms (such as being angry and upset) of resentment is not enough, you must must learn how to nip it in the bud before it has a chance to fester and ruin your marriage.
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Why do couples argue?
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If you liked The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage you will love this book.
Been married for many years and have some issues? This is the book for you.
Based in 24 years of research and counseling, Dr. Trujillo presents new insights and strategies for healing relationships and resolving stress and unhappiness. Partners, parents, couples considering marriage, and adult children of dysfunctional families will find both practical and spiritual principles to help them move forward to happiness.
Want Putting the Forever Back in Love in paperback? Click here to see it at Amazon
Get a free eBook, and help me out--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!
