Help! My Marriage is Falling Apart

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
-- Ruth Bell Graham

Hello. My name is Roland and I've hosted a radio advice program for almost 25 years and I passed the million listener mark long ago. I have an earned MS in Human Relations and a Doctorate in Pastoral Psychology. I'm the author of 16 books.


Someone said that my book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is like an advanced relationship seminar in a box.

Nobody cares more about repairing relationships than I do. A reconciliation between a parent and child or between a husband and wife still brings tears of joy to my eyes. There are many ways in which marriages fall into disrepair, but the main factors are resentment and a lack of understanding of what marriage is all about.

I will tell you right now that I'm especially helpful with two very important issues. One, resentment. Resentment is the biggest contributor to marriage break ups that exists. The problem with resentment is the way it affects you physical, emotional and spiritual well being. Resentment can give you a headache or worse.

Maybe a marriage can be repaired and maybe not. But for sure, letting go of resentment will at least help you preserve your well being. I can help. And maybe, just maybe, your relationship can be salvaged.

The second area that I can help with is understanding the deeper dynamics of the man/woman relationship. A deeper look into relationship dynamics will explain a lot to you, and help you have patience and not feel so responsible for everything that goes wrong.

There are many reasons why marriages fall apart. The most basic one is that we are human. It may sound trite, but the truth is that all of us are imperfect. And when two imperfect people bond together, there are going to be some differences of opinion.

Soon resentment is added to the equation. And this is the recipe for disaster. Begin with resentment. Then add some unfinished business from the past. Soon the arguing, misunderstanding and hurt feelings begin to snowball.

We know we need to be unselfish, but everything seems to feed our selfishness.

First the emotions of anger, resentment and hurt feelings support our ego in its judgements. Then there are the magazines, television shows and books that cater to us. The problem is that they also tend to cater to our selfishness. Soon we start focusing on having our needs met and doing our own thing.

Friends may be nice but (unless you are lucky enough to have a wise true friend who tells you the truth), friends are supportive and they will agree with you when you tell them about how wrong your husband is, for example. Besides, your friends are most likely having issues similar to yours.

Lucky you are indeed if you have, as I said, a true friend or a wise aunt or uncle. Someone older and wiser who insists upon duty, selflessness, and humility.

So, dear reader, you are often on your own. The whole world, together with your negative emotions, are pulling in the direction of break up and divorce. Yet you know in your heart that it would be better somehow to stay together.

(Of course, if there is violence, abuse, criminality, drug use or infidelity on the part of your partner, then your health and safety and the safety of the children are of prime importance. Separation and divorce may be the best option in such cases).

But I am addressing myself to the couple where both partners are basically decent.
This is the way it is in most relationships. Both are a bit selfish, need to mature a little bit perhaps--but are basically good people.

That is why I said that if you are basically good people, you know in your heart that trying to heal your relationship would be the best outcome.

So, you are imperfect and so is your partner. Maybe you have both changed. Maybe one of you has changed or matured, and the other hasn't. Maybe you gave up alcohol or drugs, and s/he hasn't.
But just bear in mind that "I have changed" is often an excuse to justify resentment and finding an easy way out.

I haven't even mentioned the effects on the kids.


More than anything--great wisdom, discretion and superb skill are required to stay the course and do the wise thing. The more unreasonable your partner is, the more reasonable you must be. Bear in mind, sometimes you can weather the storm just by not doing the wrong thing.

Therefore, I would like to start with a very basic but extremely important thing. 

Take a look at resentment. See the harm it does, and see why it is an unreasonable response. Right now, chances are your ability to see clearly, assess what is really going on, and make reasonable and intuitive choices, is clouded and distorted by negative emotions, particularly resentment.

If you could learn to watch for resentment and let it pass, you would become more centered and would then be in a much better position to make wise choices. 

Read my next article in the series My Marriage is Over








"Hello, my name is Roland. I've been on the radio for 24 years.

I get a lot of questions about relationships and marriage--probably most of the questions I get. A couple of years ago I wrote a book about marriage. It was excellent, but I wanted to take it to the next level.

I think that The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage really does fulfill my expectations. I wanted a book that is about marriage, and even though I am a bit old fashioned, I wanted the book to be inclusive. And it is.

People who are in long term or short term relationships will enjoy and benefit from my book just as much as couples who are formally married. I talk about some of the deep aspects of marriage, and I can explain why so many relationships have issues.

I also wanted at talk about dating and courtship (there is a difference), and why I favor courtship.

I wanted a book for ladies who are working on their relationship. But I also wanted it to be a book that men, especially thoughtful men who want to be good husbands and fathers, will feel comfortable with.

I wanted a book that is serious--a serious book about a serious and important topic. But I also wanted it to be fun--a good read, a page turner--and even funny in parts.

Finally I wanted to write a book that can be read again and again. Each time getting some new insight. Or a book that a young man or lady who is just married, and issues develop, can reach for and turn to the chapter on the issue, and get some insights and solutions.

I believe that this is the book.

Your friend, Roland






"Hello everyone. These are two books that I think you should have on your shelf (or on your
computer, Android or Kindle).

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is my most popular book and it covers the basic important stuff like no other book.

Putting the Forever Back in Love is a follow up to The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

 Putting the Forever Back in Love has advanced strategies. If you have been married for more than 10 years and your marriage is in trouble, this is the book you will want to read.

If you have kids and want to have some advanced insights and strategies for parenting, then Putting the Forever Back in Love is definitely going to be on your shipping list.


Now here is the good part!


 Remember that I have a long standing offer. You can get any one of my ebooks sent to you by email as a token of my appreciation when you make a donation of any amount.

Many people don't know that I am a volunteer. I buy the airtime and internet time in order to be there to help people. Soooooo, any donation (yes, even a small donation like $2 is really appreciated by me).

So to take advantage of this offer, get a free eBook, and help me out--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!


Why do couples argue?
How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage?
How can we communicate better?
What is the difference between courtship and casual dating?
My wife asked me to leave.
Why are men the way we are?
What does my wife want?
Can we reconcile?
My wife cheated on me – now what?

Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.







"Roland, thank you so much for your book. 
When I heard that you are a pastor, I hesitated to order it because I'm not into religion.  But because I wanted to learn more about why I can't stop resenting my husband so much, I went ahead and got the book. I'm so glad that I did. The advice is very practical, and the book is filled with some beautiful spirituality too. I spent over a thousand dollars to register and fly to an out of town seminar  I could have saved the thousand and got your book instead."  Suzy - San Bernardino    

It's like a relationships seminar in a box!

 

Putting the Forever Back in Love - Advanced Concepts in Relationship Building

 Click here to preview in the Kindle edition at Amazon.com

This book contains advanced concepts for coping with and resolving difficult relationship issues. 

If you liked The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage you will love this book.  

Been married for many years and have some issues? This is the book for you. 

Based in 24 years of research and counseling, Dr. Trujillo presents new insights and strategies for healing relationships and resolving stress and unhappiness. Partners, parents, couples considering marriage, and adult children of dysfunctional families will find both practical and spiritual principles to help them move forward to happiness.

 Want Putting the Forever Back in Love in paperback? Click here to see it at Amazon

Click here to preview in Kindle


Get a free eBook and help keep this blog going--all at the same time--just click here and choose a book. Then make a donation at safe and secure Paypal and you will get your gift eBook right away!!!   

You'll benefit from Dr. Roland's 25 years of experience. Plus his books are a good read. 

You'll also  be saving up to 80% off retail price. 

When you send a donation to help Roland, you are actually paying forward to help others. Roland volunteers his time to help others and he frequently gives materials away free to people who can't afford anything. 







 

Roland Trujillo, MS, D. Pastoral Psychology, is the author of 16 books. He is host of a radio advice program that currently airs in Southern California and around the country for 25 years.

In his new 350 page book Putting the Forever Back in Love Roland reveals little known secrets to marriage success.