My Husband Won't Talk to Me
Men and women live in different worlds. Men and women have different roles.
Men and women are different.
So, it is clear that there will be differences of opinion, different point of views, and so on.
Men often clam up after months or years of disagreement or miscommunication. Men are not as verbal as women, and if he feels that he always loses any disagreement or difference of opinion, or he feels that he can't get a word in edgewise--then it is not unusual for the husband to say nothing.
Because this generally occurs after plenty of verbal interchanges for years--the following, which is from a blog I wrote where the wife said "my husband argues over everything," may be enlightening.
. . . .
Now, let's look at the issue. A husband and father is supposed to point things out. He is the head of household--the Moses, the David, the George Washington of the family. People look to him for leadership and direction.
If he is a good man--noble, wise, virtuous, honorable and so on--it is good to listen to his constructive comments and directions. It is good to cooperate with a good man.
So first you have to ask yourself if what he says is right or not. If he is right about what he says--and you give him a hard time when he really doesn't deserve it, then we will look at that.
It is possible that you are over-reacting to his pointing things out, arguing with him over everything, and not cooperating with what he asks for--in which case your rebellion or resistance, or your arguing back and not acknowledging his advice--forces him to repeat things, to say the same thing over and over.
If you find yourself doing irritating things--like the opposite of what he says--then it could be that you are unconsciously undermining his authority. You might have picked this up from your mom.
Of course, it can also be that he is unreasonable or he is a tyrant. If he is belittling, mean, cruel, or puts you down, or if he as hypercritical -- then that is not good. He should not be that way. It is hard to point it out to him because he will react wrongly. If he is putting you down or is unreasonable, then he is out of order.
A man is supposed to be reasonable. A man is supposed to be wise, patient, calm, and have long suffering. This does not mean that he is weak or a people pleaser, it means that he should be firm but fair, that he stands for what is right, but has a twinkle in his eye.
Some men just clam up and say nothing. this can be very frustrating to a woman. Some women's complaint is that their husband won't talk!
Yours is the opposite--he talks, but he is critical.
At this point I must mention that. in most marriages, there is a vying for power between two egos. We start off marriage as selfish egos. If we mature, we learn to be unselfish. He learns to agree with his wife when she is right. And she learns to cooperate with her husband when he is right.
If both remain selfish, then the enminty, undercurrents of anger, sneakiness, nit picking, bickering and so on just continue until there is bitterness, violence, divorce, or an eerie peace with hostility and unfinished business underneath.
This latter is what a lot of kids have seen and it makes them reject marriage.
When you have a marriage of the typical two selfish people--and one person wakes up--then you have one awake person.
Let's stay, for example, that you begin to wake up and see how you have sought to be in charge, have undermined your husband, and may have even turned the kids against him.
You now see that he really is not such a bad guy. You gave him a really hard time for no good reason. Perhaps you had a father who was not there for you, or you were taken advantage of by some boyfriend, and so you resented men, beginning with your father who was not there for you, and you transferred that resentment to your husband.
Chances are you became very judgmental of men, including your husband. Perhaps you belittled everything he did, and now he does the same to you.
You may also have tried to run everyone's lives--you tried to change your husband, for example. And all you did was turn him into a wimp, a big kid, or a violent brute.
Now years later you see the damage that you did and if it is not too late (a divorce has already happened), you are now ready to lighten up and let him take the lead when he is right, and relax and stop trying to run (and ruin) everyone's lives.
If he does not wake up, then it will be difficult for you. You are ready to forgive and forget, to be reasonable and so on. He is not. Perhaps he has rebelled to the bottle or another woman. Maybe your meddling and catering to his weaknesses has turned him into a selfish oaf. Perhaps he has thrown in the towel and become a wimp. He lets you run everything, while he sits back and secretly judges your mistakes. You may even have exchanged roles or identities! He is the resentful nit picking "wife" and you are "the husband" seeking to deal with his judgmental nature.
Like I said, if you wake up, then all you can do is admit what you did (like admit to your kids that you tried to run their lives and made things worse). You can live graciously from now on, and now no longer resentful, the bitterness and other symptoms even physical stress symptoms will let you go. Perhaps your gracous manner and your new found awareness will make him aware too. Just remember that you cannot make him wake up and you cannot make a man into a man.
However, your awareness will awaken him whether he likes it or not. If he welcomes waking up, and he too changes and becomes the noble knight you wanted him to be--then you will become very good friends and can both live happily every after.
On the other hand, if your awareness makes him aware of his own wrong, and he resent it, he may react violently to it. He may seek a divorce and find another woman with whom he can feel comfortable in his selfishness. If so, good riddance to bad rubbish, as the expression goes. You are better off alone than with a selfish man with whom there is no future.
Of course it would be nice if he woke up first and started to be the man he should be. He could then gently lead you to his heaven, and after trying him and finding him not wanting, you could feel very secure with this good man.
Now back to where we started. The number one thing to watch out for is resentment.
If you are resentful, you cannot see clearly. He might be a good guy and he might not.
As long as you are resentful, you can't know for sure. He might be a good guy, but the hard time you give him disables him from finding himself. He might be a good guy, but you are projecting your dad or former boyfriend onto him.
You just can't know for sure, nor can you know his heart--as long as you are resentful. So the most important thing is to watch for and let go of resentment.
Whether or not he wakes up I cannot say. But one thing I know for sure: resentment has so many bad consequences--spiritual, emotional and even physical--that letting go of resentment is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Men and women are different.
So, it is clear that there will be differences of opinion, different point of views, and so on.
Men often clam up after months or years of disagreement or miscommunication. Men are not as verbal as women, and if he feels that he always loses any disagreement or difference of opinion, or he feels that he can't get a word in edgewise--then it is not unusual for the husband to say nothing.
Because this generally occurs after plenty of verbal interchanges for years--the following, which is from a blog I wrote where the wife said "my husband argues over everything," may be enlightening.
. . . .
Now, let's look at the issue. A husband and father is supposed to point things out. He is the head of household--the Moses, the David, the George Washington of the family. People look to him for leadership and direction.
If he is a good man--noble, wise, virtuous, honorable and so on--it is good to listen to his constructive comments and directions. It is good to cooperate with a good man.
So first you have to ask yourself if what he says is right or not. If he is right about what he says--and you give him a hard time when he really doesn't deserve it, then we will look at that.
It is possible that you are over-reacting to his pointing things out, arguing with him over everything, and not cooperating with what he asks for--in which case your rebellion or resistance, or your arguing back and not acknowledging his advice--forces him to repeat things, to say the same thing over and over.
If you find yourself doing irritating things--like the opposite of what he says--then it could be that you are unconsciously undermining his authority. You might have picked this up from your mom.
Of course, it can also be that he is unreasonable or he is a tyrant. If he is belittling, mean, cruel, or puts you down, or if he as hypercritical -- then that is not good. He should not be that way. It is hard to point it out to him because he will react wrongly. If he is putting you down or is unreasonable, then he is out of order.
A man is supposed to be reasonable. A man is supposed to be wise, patient, calm, and have long suffering. This does not mean that he is weak or a people pleaser, it means that he should be firm but fair, that he stands for what is right, but has a twinkle in his eye.
Some men just clam up and say nothing. this can be very frustrating to a woman. Some women's complaint is that their husband won't talk!
Yours is the opposite--he talks, but he is critical.
At this point I must mention that. in most marriages, there is a vying for power between two egos. We start off marriage as selfish egos. If we mature, we learn to be unselfish. He learns to agree with his wife when she is right. And she learns to cooperate with her husband when he is right.
If both remain selfish, then the enminty, undercurrents of anger, sneakiness, nit picking, bickering and so on just continue until there is bitterness, violence, divorce, or an eerie peace with hostility and unfinished business underneath.
This latter is what a lot of kids have seen and it makes them reject marriage.
When you have a marriage of the typical two selfish people--and one person wakes up--then you have one awake person.
Let's stay, for example, that you begin to wake up and see how you have sought to be in charge, have undermined your husband, and may have even turned the kids against him.
You now see that he really is not such a bad guy. You gave him a really hard time for no good reason. Perhaps you had a father who was not there for you, or you were taken advantage of by some boyfriend, and so you resented men, beginning with your father who was not there for you, and you transferred that resentment to your husband.
Chances are you became very judgmental of men, including your husband. Perhaps you belittled everything he did, and now he does the same to you.
You may also have tried to run everyone's lives--you tried to change your husband, for example. And all you did was turn him into a wimp, a big kid, or a violent brute.
Now years later you see the damage that you did and if it is not too late (a divorce has already happened), you are now ready to lighten up and let him take the lead when he is right, and relax and stop trying to run (and ruin) everyone's lives.
If he does not wake up, then it will be difficult for you. You are ready to forgive and forget, to be reasonable and so on. He is not. Perhaps he has rebelled to the bottle or another woman. Maybe your meddling and catering to his weaknesses has turned him into a selfish oaf. Perhaps he has thrown in the towel and become a wimp. He lets you run everything, while he sits back and secretly judges your mistakes. You may even have exchanged roles or identities! He is the resentful nit picking "wife" and you are "the husband" seeking to deal with his judgmental nature.
Like I said, if you wake up, then all you can do is admit what you did (like admit to your kids that you tried to run their lives and made things worse). You can live graciously from now on, and now no longer resentful, the bitterness and other symptoms even physical stress symptoms will let you go. Perhaps your gracous manner and your new found awareness will make him aware too. Just remember that you cannot make him wake up and you cannot make a man into a man.
However, your awareness will awaken him whether he likes it or not. If he welcomes waking up, and he too changes and becomes the noble knight you wanted him to be--then you will become very good friends and can both live happily every after.
On the other hand, if your awareness makes him aware of his own wrong, and he resent it, he may react violently to it. He may seek a divorce and find another woman with whom he can feel comfortable in his selfishness. If so, good riddance to bad rubbish, as the expression goes. You are better off alone than with a selfish man with whom there is no future.
Of course it would be nice if he woke up first and started to be the man he should be. He could then gently lead you to his heaven, and after trying him and finding him not wanting, you could feel very secure with this good man.
Now back to where we started. The number one thing to watch out for is resentment.
If you are resentful, you cannot see clearly. He might be a good guy and he might not.
As long as you are resentful, you can't know for sure. He might be a good guy, but the hard time you give him disables him from finding himself. He might be a good guy, but you are projecting your dad or former boyfriend onto him.
You just can't know for sure, nor can you know his heart--as long as you are resentful. So the most important thing is to watch for and let go of resentment.
Whether or not he wakes up I cannot say. But one thing I know for sure: resentment has so many bad consequences--spiritual, emotional and even physical--that letting go of resentment is the best thing you can do for yourself.
