I'm Unhappy in My Marriage

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
-- Ruth Bell Graham

Hello. My name is Roland and I've had a radio advice program for 21 years. I would like to share a chapter from my book with you. It is very pertinent to the topic of arguing.

There are many reasons why marriages fall apart. The most basic one is that we are human. It may sound trite, but the truth is that all of us are imperfect. And when two imperfect people bond together, there are going to be some differences of opinion. Soon resentment is added to the equation. Then some unfinished business from the past. Soon the arguing, misunderstanding and hurt feelings begin to snowball.

We know we need to be unselfish, but everything seems to feed our selfishness. First the emotions of anger, resentment and hurt feelings support our ego in its judgements.

Then there are the magazines, television shows and books that cater to us. The problem is that they also tend to cater to our selfishness. Soon we start focusing on having our needs met and doing our own thing.

Friends may be nice and fun. But generally (unless you are lucky enough to have a wise true friend), let's be honest: they are supportive and they will agree with you when you tell them about how wrong your husband is, for example.

But where is the balance? Few people will challenge your needs or complaints, and strongly stand for staying together. Perhaps some of the clergy do, but even they are sometimes too supportive. And when they go to the other extreme of being overbearing and rigid--that too makes us feel like we are being treated unfairly, leading to another round of resentment.

Lucky you are indeed if you have, as I said, a true friend or a wise aunt or uncle. Someone who insists upon duty, selflessness, and humility.

So, dear reader, you are often on your own. The whole world, together with your negative emotions, are pulling in the direction of break up and divorce. Yet you know in your heart that it would be better somehow to stay together.

(Of course, if there is violence, abuse, criminality, drug use or infidelity on the part of your partner, then your safety and the safety of the children is of prime importance. Separation and divorce may be the best option in such cases).

But I am addressing myself to the couple where both partners are basically decent. This is the way it is in most relationships. Both are a bit selfish, need to mature a little bit perhaps--but are basically good people. That is why I said that if you are basically good people, you know in your heart that trying to heal your relationship would be nice.

So, you are imperfect and so is your partner. Maybe you have both changed. Maybe one of you has changed or matured, and the other hasn't. Maybe you gave up alcohol or drugs, and s/he hasn't.

But just bear in mind that "I have changed" is often an excuse to justify resentment and finding an easy way out.

And I also know (soon to join the ranks of distinguished senior citizens, and living in the real world) that there is often another person involved: a colleague at the office, someone at church, an old high school or college friend, or a neighbor who appears "interested" or even be a fantasy figure.

That person may be naughty (or who may may not even know of your secret fantasies) provides a false hope of greener pastures. But rarely do such things ever work out. Either he or she is married, or is not interested, or if you get into a relationship, you discover that because it was conceived in selfishness, such a relationship does not bring joy. Far too often you discover that this new person is even worse than the one you left (and who you disover, in retrospect, is really not as bad as your thought).

I haven't even talked about the effects on the kids.

Oh, I forgot to mention the sad situation where you love your partner and don't really have any big issues, but your partner has come to you with "I've changed, you've changed, I think I don't love you anymore, or we've grown apart."

More than anything--great wisdom, discretion and superb skill are required to stay the course and do the wise thing. The more unreasonable the other is, the more reasonable you must be. Bear in mind, sometimes you can weather the storm just by not doing the wrong thing.

Therefore, I would like to start with a very basic but extremely important thing. Take a look at resentment. See the harm it does, and see why it is an unreasonable response. Right now, chances are your ability to see clearly, assess what is really going on, and make reasonable and intuitive choices, is clouded and distorted by negative emotions, particularly resentment.

If you could learn to watch for resentment and let it pass, you would become more centered and would then be in a much better position to make wise choices.

__________________________

,

"All couples argue," says Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD in a recent radio interview.

"All couples argue. Because you have two different people with different needs and different opinions, arguing is inevitable.

In fact (and this is controversial) men and women live in different worlds. So again, disagreements are to be expected.

So why is it that when we watch a debate on television, we enjoy it, but at home debates deteriorate into arguments and get ugly? What is the difference?

Here is the difference

1. In a debate we don't take it personally. At home, our ego gets involved.

2. Resentment. At the office or in a debate, we can be objective about things. At home we become resentful. I talk about this in my book and in a popular article I wrote entitled "What is the Number One Cause of Divorce."

3. No one has taught us the right way to argue. If a couple argues about what is right instead of who is right--and what is right wins--it is a win-win for both.

4. And this is important--we need to understand the difference between men and women.
And there is a difference. Vive la difference! as the French say. In my book I tell the story of men and women, all the way back to paradise lost in the Garden of Eden.

I talk about how misunderstanding each other's true needs leads to confusion and feeling empty."

"Don't worry," says Roland. "It is possible to disagree without being disagreeable. In fact, if we can learn to love each other instead of resenting each other, we might even be able to live happily ever after. "

Roland Trujillo has a PhD in Pastoral Psychology and is the author of 11 books. He is host of a radio advice program that has aired in California and around the country for 21 years.

His new 315 page book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage--Making Relationships Work is available in quality paperback at Amazon.com and in in eBook at Scribd.com to download to your mobile device or computer.

Click here to preview and look inside.


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