My Wife and I Fight All the Time
-- Ruth Bell Graham
Hello. My name is Roland and I've had a radio advice program for 21 years. I would like to share a chapter from my forthcoming book which is very pertinent to this topic.
There are many reasons why marriages fall apart. The most basic one is that we are human. It may sound trite, but the truth is that all of us are imperfect. And when two imperfect people bond together, there are going to be some differences of opinion. Soon resentment is added to the equation. Then some unfinished business from the past. Soon the arguing, misunderstanding and hurt feelings begin to snowball.
We know we need to be unselfish, but everything seems to feed our selfishness. First the emotions of anger, resentment and hurt feelings support our ego in its judgements.
Then there are the magazines, television shows and books that cater to us. The problem is that they also tend to cater to our selfishness. Soon we start focusing on having our needs met and doing our own thing.
Friends may be nice and fun. But generally (unless you are lucky enough to have a wise true friend), let's be honest: they are supportive and they will agree with you when you tell them about how wrong your husband is, for example.
Then there are all the naughty magazines, videos, movies, websites, and books that also cater to our selfish sensuous nature. Bottom line: just about everyone supports our selfishness.
But where is the balance? Few people will challenge your needs or complaints, and strongly stand for staying together. Perhaps some of the clergy do, but even they are sometimes too supportive. And when they go to the other extreme of being overbearing and rigid--that too makes us feel like we are being treated unfairly, leading to another round of resentment.
Lucky you are indeed if you have, as I said, a true friend or a wise aunt or uncle. Someone who insists upon duty, selflessness, and humility.
So, dear reader, you are often on your own. The whole world, together with your negative emotions, are pulling in the direction of break up and divorce. Yet you know in your heart that it would be better somehow to stay together.
(Of course, if there is violence, abuse, criminality, drug use or infidelity on the part of your partner, then your safety and the safety of the children is of prime importance. Separation and divorce may be the best option in such cases).
But I am addressing myself to the couple where both partners are basically decent. This is the way it is in most relationships. Both are a bit selfish, need to mature a little bit perhaps--but are basically good people. That is why I said that if you are basically good people, you know in your heart that trying to heal your relationship would be nice.
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So, you are imperfect and so is your partner. Maybe you have both changed. Maybe one of you has changed or matured, and the other hasn't. Maybe you gave up alcohol or drugs, and s/he hasn't.
But just bear in mind that "I have changed" is often an excuse to justify resentment and finding an easy way out.
And I also know (being 60 years old and living in the real world) that there is often another person involved: a colleague at the office, someone at church, an old high school or college friend or a neighbor who appears interested in you or who you like. S/he could even be a fantasy figure.
That person (who may be totally innocent and who doesn't even know of your interest) provides a false hope of greener pastures. But rarely do such things ever work out. Either he or she is married, or is not interested, or if you get into a relationship, you discover that because it was conceived in selfishness, such a relationship does not bring joy. Far too often you discover that this new person is even worse than the one you left (and who you disover, in retrospect, is really not as bad as your thought).
I haven't even mentioned the effects on the kids.
Oh, I forgot to mention the sad situation where you love your mate and don't really have any big issues, but your partner has come to you with "I've changed, you've changed, I think I don't love you anymore, or we've grown apart." Soul searching is required here, to see if you may be unaware of something you have been doing in error (for example, many men are unaware that they must become more fatherly and stand for something; and many women are unaware of how judgmental they are).
But more than anything--great wisdom, discretion and superb skill are required to stay the course and do the wise thing. The more unreasonable the other is, the more reasonable you must be. Bear in mind, sometimes you can weather the storm just by not doing the wrong thing.
Therefore, I would like to start with a very basic but extremely important thing. Take a look at resentment. See the harm it does, and see why it is an unreasonable response. Right now, chances are your ability to see clearly, assess what is really going on, and make reasonable and intuitive choices, is clouded and distorted by negative emotions, particularly resentment.
If you could learn to watch for resentment and let it pass, you would become more centered and would then be in a much better position to make wise choices.
,Look inside: My Husband and I Argue All the Time: Time tested truths for healing relationships
announcement - after 21 years, Roland is now available for consultation 7 days a week from the convenience of your home for live chat and email.">
What kind of issues can I get advice or feedback on?
- Relationships, dating, courtship, marriage, reconciliation
- Family issues--such as blended families, step parents, differing faiths--that you would like to talk to a pastor about.
- Arguing, fighting all the time, bickering, hurt feelings
- The Number One Cause of Arguing is also the Number One Cause of Divorce. Read the article
- Unhappiness, doubts and anxieties
- Avoiding divorce
- Reconciling
- Parenting with patience
- Coping with stress
- Overcoming resentment and unforgiveness
- Single issues, single parenting
- Maybe you just want to talk to a someone professional and get some feedback
I've been around for over 20 years and I'm not going anywhere. I look forward to hearing from you. If you can't afford the suggested charge, then just email me. I'm sure we can work something out.
Why online advice and feedback?
- Online advice and feedback is quick, convenient, cost effective, confidential and compassionate.
- When you want to talk to someone but not someone who knows who you are
- or you want some feedback from the convenience of home.
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- without judgement or pressure.
- Sometimes feedback from a professional can be helpful. We all could use a little feedback and help from time to time.
- I'm also a pastor with 21 years experience.
- I've had a radio advice program that has been on the air for 21 years
- Maybe you are between churches or you don't want to get involved with a church.
- Maybe you are not a Christian or religious, but wouldn't mind talking to a pastor
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I've been around for over 20 years and I'm not going anywhere. I look forward to hearing from you.
Visit Roland's page at LivePerson now. (if you want to chat but I've stepped away from my office, just send a free email and we can arrange a time)..
- As an added bonus, you get access to dozens of articles, hours of audio and books to read. All free. After your session, you can read and listen to helpful materials for free.
Why Roland
- Roland is a good listener
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- with over 20 years experience
- with an earned MS, PhD, and
- Board Certification
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- 7 days a week
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- When you email or want to chat, you will be answered by Pastor Roland, not by some faceless telephone person
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The Solution:
Visit Roland's page at LivePerson now
How much does a session cost?
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Roland is the only Senior Pastor with over 20 years experience and with an earned MS and PhD
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