My Husband and I Are Growing Apart

Is this something new? Or something you are just discovering?

Chances are you are just discovering it. When we are young, we are all caught up in the excitement of dating, romance, getting our first apartment, having kids and so on. We also get caught up in our work. People tend to get caught up in just about everything.

Perhaps now that things have quieted down (the excitement of the honeymoon is over, things have become predictable, the kids have left home or whatever), you are looking for someone or something to keep you distracted, excited, etc. like things used to. Now you are not getting that from your partner, and so you may have become resentful over it.

When we are just getting started, it is exciting and that keeps us distracted. Then work and perhaps kids keep us occupied and busy. Work or kids become a focal point around which everything revolves. But as time passes, and the initial excitement wears off, we start to become aware of a sense of being unfulfilled. We naturally tend to blame our partner for this negative feeling.

Perhaps also, we start to become less starry eyed about our marriage and our partner. The honeymoon is over and we begin to assess what we are interested in and what our partner is interested in. We see that there is somewhat of a mismatch.

Our puppy love may have been more of an immature thing. Something like the way kids will get all excited about a new toy, but when their excitement wears off, they get bored. Kids "love" ice cream. But if they ate ice cream breakfast lunch and dinner for a few days, they would get bored and no longer love ice cream. They might even hate it!

Most of us "love" others in the way the child loves ice cream--for how they make us feel. .

Real love (which few people really know what it is) is abiding. It is not a feeling. It does not quit on another because that person is not exciting or interesting. Real love is not based in excitement or feelings. It is emotionless. That's why it does not change. It is steadfast. It is not based in catering to egos or having our ego catered to.

So what I am saying is that it is natural, for all of the above reasons, that the feeling that we and our partner have nothing in common might arise.

Does this mean that we must be unhappy in our marriage or that we must divorce? No.

I remember when I was a kid many years ago. Back then, after dinner at some gathering of family or friends, the women went to one part of the house and talked (and had fun) and the men went to the living room or the patio and sat around and talked (and had fun). Each group had different interests. They lived in different worlds. They did not feel a pressure to have to share and be interested in the same things.

Another factor today is that families are smaller. Some families consist of just the two partners without kids. Many families only have one child. Combine this fact with how extended families are now all spread out. You can end up with just two people living all alone in one city with family members hundreds of miles away.

This puts increasing pressure on the two partners to try to and expect to fulfill all of each other's needs.

It is okay to have different interests. It may be even be okay to have nothing in common (I said may be okay--when there are deep divides over important issues, it can be a problem).

If your partner is basically a good guy, then let's first look at what may be making things more difficult. First let's look at resentment. This often overlooked emotions negatively tinges everything. Resentment makes it impossible to be objective and to know what is really going on.
Resentment leads to a focus on one's self and one's needs. I know a couple that has been married for over 25 years. They got married for all the wrong reasons, and now have nothing in common. They both have lots of activities and projects to work on. They appreciate each other's differences because they are not resentful.

That is why life is a school, and marriage is an institution within which we can work out our differences and learn to be unselfish.
It's not going to be a picnic.
But it was not intended to be one.

Perhaps you can see that what I have said is true, but you say: "I do love my husband. And I want to get closer to him. But he just cares about work or sports or whatever. I try to talk to him and he is uncommunicative. He doesn't share his feelings with me, and so on."

Here the issue is not having anything in common--it is communication that is the issue.

Here is the bottom line: forget about all the media talk and pop psychology talk about getting your needs met.

If you are like most people--your marriage, your life, your emotional state of well being, and perhaps even your health will begin to change for the better when you learn to drop resentment and judgment. Especially against your husband.

It is natural and proper that a wife would look to her husband for wisdom and love. It should be that he recognizes her true needs and has the love and wisdom to meet those needs. So, when he fails her in some mysterious way, she resents him. That is a human reaction. But although it is an all too human reaction, it is also a wrong and very harmful one. One we need to look at.

"All couples argue," says Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD in a recent radio interview.

"All couples argue. Because you have two different people with different needs and different opinions, arguing is inevitable.

In fact (and this is controversial) men and women live in different worlds. So again, disagreements are to be expected.

So why is it that when we watch a debate on television, we enjoy it, but at home debates deteriorate into arguments and get ugly? What is the difference?

Here is the difference

1. In a debate we don't take it personally. At home, our ego gets involved.

2. Resentment. At the office or in a debate, we can be objective about things. At home we become resentful. I talk about this in my book and in a popular article I wrote entitled "What is the Number One Cause of Divorce."

3. No one has taught us the right way to argue. If a couple argues about what is right instead of who is right--and what is right wins--it is a win-win for both.

4. And this is important--we need to understand the difference between men and women.
And there is a difference. Vive la difference! as the French say. In my book I tell the story of men and women, all the way back to paradise lost in the Garden of Eden.

I talk about how misunderstanding each other's true needs leads to confusion and feeling empty."

"Don't worry," says Roland. "It is possible to disagree without being disagreeable. In fact, if we can learn to love each other instead of resenting each other, we might even be able to live happily ever after. "

Read the article: My Husband and I have Nothing in Common




Roland Trujillo has a Doctorate in Pastoral Psychology and is the author of 14 books. He is host of a radio advice program that has aired in California and around the country for 23 years.

His new 315 page book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage--Making Relationships Work is available in Kindle and in quality paper back at Amazon.com and in eBook at Scribd.com to download to your mobile device or computer.




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