Courtship, Marriage and Love - Myths and Mysteries

Relationship and Marriage Questions Answered Right Away For a Small Donation

2012-01-27T13:59:00.000-08:00

Got a relationship question? A marriage issue you would like another opinion on? Want to work on your relationship?

If you feel comfortable making a small donation at Paypal, you can get an answer right away.

Click on the relationships chat link, tell Roland you want some feedback for a donation.

It's that simple. (you must be 19, no emergencies)

Click To Chat

Roland, I'm interested. Tell me more.

" I have found that most people on the internet don't want spend much or anything at all. People want things for free. I have so many free self help resources (and I have for 22 years) - it is amazing. But I cannot give away professional counseling. I rely solely on the donations of visitors and listeners.

People are looking for real meaningful answers from a professional. I can't give it away - if I do I would soon be out of money. Plus free seems to invite pranksters and people who are not serious.

There has to be a solution, and there is. I devote some time each day to helping people and answering questions for a small donation. (Even $5 helps pay for the chat service).

So get your answer and help me too. It's a win win.

If you prefer pay as you go -- where you pay minute by minute and leave when you want, so you are in charge . I have that service too at LivePerson.

If you want to remain anonymous, where even the expert doesn't know who you are, then LivePerson is for you.

Prefer email? Send me an email, tell me you want relationship or marriage advice for a donation. Briefly state your issue and I will respond. (you must be 19, no emergencies).

Why are you waiting, get started today. Leave behind the baggage of the past and move forward to joy.
"Why talk to just anyone when you can talk me?" says Roland who has an earned MS and PhD in Pastoral Counseling.

And I make myself available to people on the internet. I've been helping people via my radio program, books, articles, and private counseling for 22 years."

Most counselors and advisors ask for fees of $60 to over $100 per hour. How about mechanics, plumbers, electricians, and accountants? How about your beautician?

Roland makes his service available for a donation and he is open to sliding scale for people with tight budgets.

Why wait, or spend gas driving across town? Talk to a someone from the convenience of your home or office. Get professional counseling that fits your budget and schedule.

Roland is the author of 12 books, with 22 years experience. Roland has an earned MS and a Doctorate in Pastoral Counseling. He is board certified as a professional counselor.

Here are just a few of the issues I've been talking to people about for 22 years:

You don't have to be a Christian to talk to me. I'm just interested in, solutions, recovery, optimal living and solving issues.

Relationship and marriage issues

Courtship, choosing the right partner

Help with marital unhappiness or infidelity issues

Feedback on depression, bipolar, OCD, and anxiety from a pastor's perspective

Help overcoming drug and alcohol issues

Overcoming emotional issues, such as unhappiness, upset, anger, or anxiety

Letting go of doubts and fears

People who don't want a record of their issue following them around.

Parenting issues, blended families, single parenting

Questions you would like to ask a pastor even though you are not involved in any religion.

How to cope with stress from a pastor's perspective

Overcoming feelings of inferiority or insecurity.

Executives, clergy, actors, prominent people, entertainers, attorneys who want confidential counseling from a mentor and Senior Pastor.

Do you have a marriage or relationship issue you would like
like some feedback on, guidance, or a second opinion from a professional Christian counselor?

Why talk to anyone else when you can talk to a Senior Pastor. Many people have a marriage or relationship issue and would like to talk to a pastor, but they prefer to do so confidentially. They like their pastor but they don't want him to know. Other people are between churches, don't have a church, or just want to talk to a professional who is open to religion and spirituality.

I make myself available to people on the internet. I've been helping people via my radio program for 22 years.

Many people want to talk to a someone. They have an issue they are dealing with or they need some feedback or counsel. They want to tell someone about something they want to get off their mind. They want to start moving forward. They want a person who is concerned, trustworthy, and sincere.

But they don't want to talk to just "someone" like some unknown counselor, prayer partner or faceless person. They don't want to talk to someone who is just getting started and doesn't have the wisdom and understanding of years. They want to talk to someone who has experience and who is mature. Someone solid and with some authority.

Others want to talk now and not next week. Some people are home bound. Some people want to get started now. They also like to be able to pick someone they are comfortable with.

It is for this reason that I am here.

You don't have to be a Christian to talk to me. I'm just interested in solutions, recovery, optimal living and solving issues. Sure, I'm a pastor, but I don't have a church. I do my own thing to help people.

Get in touch with Roland for pastoral counseling or advice to get some feedback using

Online Counseling for a Donation

Why wait, or spend gas driving across town? Talk to a someone from the convenience of your home or office. Get professional counseling that fits your budget and schedule.

I am available 7 days a week for your convenience.
"I'm here to help. Whether you just need an outside opinion about a family or relationship issue, or whether you would like some feedback on a personal, private issue, I'm a good listener.

My service is fast, friendly and confidential. Chat in confidence, and speak freely. We all need another opinion and feedback sometimes. That's what I'm here for. Chat with me from the convenience of your home 7 days a week.

Many people prefer online counseling to prevent having a mental health record with insurance companies.

I have Masters Degree in Human Relations and have advanced doctoral studies in pastoral psychology. I am an ordained minister and I am a Board Certified Professional Counselor. I am the author of 12 books on solving relationship, emotional and stress issues.

I have been advising and providing confidential advice and feedback about life's problems for over 20 years.

There are two options

Option One

For a donation you can chat (texting) with me.

Option Two

For a donation you can have an email exchange. Just email Roland and tell him you want an answer by email for a donation.

Just click here to donate
,

Thank you

Roland is available 7 days a week for your convenience.
"I'm here to help. Whether you just need an outside opinion about a family or relationship issue, or whether you would like some feedback on a personal, private issue, I'm a good listener.

My service is fast, friendly and ultra confidential. Chat in confidence, anonymity, and speak freely. We all need another opinion and feedback sometimes. That's what I'm here for. Chat with me from the convenience of your home 7 days a week.

Many people prefer online counseling to prevent having a mental health record with insurance companies.

I have Masters Degree in Human Relations and have advanced doctoral studies in pastoral psychology. I am an ordained minister and I am a Board Certified Professional Counselor. I am the author of 12 books on solving relationship, emotional and stress issues.

I have been advising and providing confidential advice and feedback about life's problems for over 20 years.

We all need help sometimes or could use a little professional feedback. Maybe you want to talk to someone but don't want them to know who you are.

Right now you just want a little guidance on some issue with no strings attached

Perhaps you would just like some feedback from the convenience of home. That's what I'm here for.

Your friend,

Roland

How Do I Forgive - 22 Year Marriage Mentor Answers with a Poem

2012-01-03T13:03:00.000-08:00

The song says love and marriage
Go together
Like a horse and carriage.
If so, why is marriage so disparaged?

A marriage of two selfish people
Will not be good
When both partners brood.
Even if the wedding was under a steeple.

But don't worry,
And don't be in a hurry.
We're all a bit selfish before we grow,
That's what lifelong learning is for.

So if you feel there is something missing,
Start by being more forgiving.

No one is perfect, least of all you.
He chose you, but you chose him too.

You knew he wasn't perfect way back then,
And now you want to start all over again?
Think a new partner will be any better?
You'll say Swiss and he'll say cheddar.

"Mirror, mirror, square or round,
Who's the fairest one in town?"
It isn't you, and you know it's true,
If you are resentful and wear a frown. "

But I'm always nice and helpful as can be.
I'm always doing for others,
I'm busy, busy, busy."
Yes, but under all your doing,
Resentment is stewing.

When you go the extra mile,
You secretly judge others for not appreciating you.
While on the surface you wore a smile,
Underneath your resentment grew.

To make unhappiness go away
And start feeling better today,
Roland says here's how to start--
Better to wear a smile on your heart,
than a smile on your face
For everyone in town.

Don't be like the circus clown
Who smiles but is secretly wearing a frown.

When you are smiling inside
You won't even remember why you cried.

To forgive is to forget
You're asking how to forgive, I bet.

The answer is easy:
Just remember to no longer resent
And you'll wonder where the bitterness went
When you remember to be more forgiving.

There won't be any misgiving,
And you'll give thanksgiving
For the joy you will be feeling.
No more tired and blue,
And your husband will notice it too.

How I Overcame Bitterness and Unhappiness - a poem

2011-11-28T17:48:00.000-08:00

“I fled Him down the nights and down the days
I fled Him down the arches of the years
I fled Him down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind, and in the midst of tears
I hid from him, and under running laughter.”
― Francis G. Thompson, The Hound of Heaven.

I had a little work related stress,
And my apartment was a mess.
My boyfriend left town,
And my Internet was down.

I had a little anxiety
But no one could really help me, as you will see.

I'll spare you the details of what happened since
Remembering the first few months just makes me wince.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure they all meant well,
But my life became a living hell.

Despite all my troubles, I want you to know
There is a very happy ending though.
But first I had to humble my pride
And give up all the hate that was inside.
Let's begin at the start
When I used to think I was smart.
So here goes . . . .

"I've got a little work related stress,
And my apartment is a mess.
My boyfriend left town,
and I'm feeling a little down"

"Let's try this and see if it works for you.
Just to take the edge off and relax you too."

I'm not trying to complain.
At least he gave what I had a name.
But why was I still in pain?

Why did everything irritate me;
Why did I get angry at everything I see;
Why was I lonely, bitter and sad?
When others were happy it made me feel bad.

I wondered: Am I just a chemical imbalance?
Am I just a body for men to use?
What they call love just makes me confused.

My parents kept saying I must be a success,
But nothing seemed to give me happiness.
What good is it if I succeed
If no one can give me an answer to what I need?

I went to the chaplain and she was nice.
She prayed with me, stayed with me and called me twice.

But why does everyone just want to comfort me?
Why can't I overcome, move on and and just be free?
Everyone is helpful and kind,
But why couldn't I leave my issues behind?

I heard someone talk about being free indeed,
It sounded like just what I need.
I joined a church and went twice a week.
Hoping to find the answers I seek.
I studied, sang and prayed,
But became uneasy the longer I stayed.

After the excitement wore off,
When I was home by myself,
I had to admit what I could tell no one else:
Inside I was still the same old self.

Something was missing. It is hard to describe.
I still felt empty inside.
So I kept on searching for the meaning of life.

Don't get me wrong.
It's nice to sing a song,
And memorize a Scripture or two.
But if the the dogma is rigid and the words insipid,
It's something I would rather not do.

I found another group that was all acceptance and hugs.
They had drums and a guitar (but no drugs).
There was clapping and singing, and swaying.
Positive thinking and lots of praying.

I don't want to be rude
But I had to conclude
They tried their best,
But like many men, they failed the test.
Decent and friendly and nice guys,
But just more emptiness in disguise.

So I threw in the towel
It was all beginning to sour.
I went back to my weed and speed.
But it didn't take me long to see that it was wrong.
Now I could see
it just wasn't me.

I needed more than people's comfort and being nice,
More than the drugs, the hugs, the songs and the words;,
More than study and the palliative prayer.
I wanted the answer that sets me free
To move forward and be a new me.

I found an Eastern philosophy
Which I heard about on TV.
And I also tried East/West spirituality.
They talked about enlightenment and tranquility,
But they struck me as selfish and all about oneself.
Like being self preoccupied and sitting on the shelf.
Something about it just didn't feel right.
It was close to what I wanted, but not quite.

I went back to the university.
It was a relief to talk about sustainable development and diversity,
And not about religion or eternity.
The rebellion and free lifestyle were inviting.
The football and parties were exciting.

But it struck me as hollow and empty,
A juvenile rebellion against authority,
Or an intellectual rebellion against God, you see.
And the shallow selfish people I saw graduate
Made me want to hesitate.

I began to resent them all for not being there for me.
First my dad then every other authority.
I resented them for their shallow answers
Or for their glib answers
To persuade me, to intimidate me
To speak condescendingly.
It was all about party time,
The bottom line,
Or the party line.

I could not let go of judgment and resentment
toward those who robbed me of my contentment
I was full of contempt for their weakness
And anger over their pretense.

And I resented and judged myself too.
I was so full of hate, what else could I do?

I resented everyone for not having love for me.
I was filled with anger and blame, it was plain to see.
But at least I was on the verge of seeing what was wrong with me.

Each day at the park I watched the little kids play.
Full of happiness and joy and never a bad day.
I pondered the difference between them and me.
And slowly I began to see.

What I was like when I was small I had forgot.
There's only one difference between them and me.
I am resentful and they are not.

Thinking back to earlier years,
I began to see what started my decline to emptiness and tears.

I resented my mom and my dad, you see.
I especially resented my dad for not being there for me.
I hated my life too and everything about myself,
And then it spread over the years to everyone else.

I resented my peers, my partner, my kids and my luck too.
My job, my boss, and My God! Even You.

Resentment became a way of life.
The loser's way of avoiding strife.
Judging and angry at everything, it seemed harmless at the time.
A way to judge underneath, but pretend everything was fine.

It gave me a secret ego satisfaction -
A loser's way of getting even.
It was a secret reaction.
On the surface I smiled, but underneath I was was judgmental and mean.

"I'm a nice person" I would always say.
"Just look at all I've done for others today."
But it was service out of guilt for resenting their demands.
I could claim to be a martyr that no one understands.

All of this and much more I began to see
I couldn't duck the truth, it was as plain as it could be.
But now instead of resenting truth, I was saddened about what I had discovered,
About the sneaky hate and hostility that had been uncovered.

I could not change myself, though regretting what I see.
So now I was in quite a quandary.
Wanting to change but not knowing just how,
My dilemma was finally solved, and I'll show you now:

When something about yourself you see
That you would rather not be.
But you've found that struggle and trying just make things worse.
The solution is so simple, it is found in the following verse.

Just regret what you see about yourself.
Don't try to charge with any effort.
Quietly bear the brief pain of seeing - just do that and nothing else.
It is God's light, we call conscience, which is making you see.
God is present, and the sadness is in His Light by which you see.

When you know the sadness you feel is because of God's good Light
This realization is a great comfort to the soul who now yields to what is right.
The changes you want will happen in God's due time.
So just relax and you'll be fine.

I walked around and was sad about what I discovered.
But I sensed that my innocence and sweetness I had recovered.
So I just bore the pain without trying to change.
Soon I began to shed a quiet tear over what I saw about myself.
I was sad, then glad, then relieved, I must confess,
To just come clean and let God clear up my mess.

I experienced something profound,
Repentance I had found.
Not of myself but of He.
God's light was repenting me.

It was like a purging and catharsis of my wrong
What I couldn't do myself, He can because He is kind and gentle and strong.
First the pain, followed by sadness, then the soul bursts into song,
Because I know the quiet joy that He has forgiven me of my wrong.

After I was purged I was free to see
One by one, what was wrong with me.
Each time the same process: first pain, sadness then relief.
After being sorry, I found peace beyond belief.

Every day a little pain to bear,
Regret, forgiveness and then joy without compare.

Each day the pain is less but the wrong more subtle,
Seeing all the wrong inside bursts the ego's bubble.
One day there will be no more wrong to see,
Just peace of mind and a life of discovery.

Repentance is God's way, and anyone who tries to imitate it or force it
Will just interfere but never replace it.
Repentance is God's plan for recovery.

That's why outside reassurance and consolation
Will only make you guilty, because they rob the soul of repentance.
Covering up wrong with assurance, reassurance, and affirmations
Interfere with the Light and its redeeming and shaming presence.

The lesson is clear
You can't repent yourself.
Just be willing to be humbled and shed a tear
And wait for God to draw near.

When you are not right inside
Pious words and gestures only support pride.
You become a model of hypocrisy
Because others can see your inconsistency.

In our pride and with our ego's short sight.
We think we have to make something happen with effort and with might.
That is how our ego blocks God's redeeming light.

Our biggest error is resenting His light
Or suppressing what is wrong to keep it out of sight,
When what you should be doing is exposing it to the light,

Just regret your wrong without trying to make yourself right,
Wait for repentance and change in the Light.

And here is something else profound,
When resentment is gone, love is there to be found.
God's love warms the soul and takes away the need.
Now you can forgive others for their misdeeds.

You always craved something from them and resented when they didn't have it.
Now you know why they didn't have love, because they hadn't found it.
You see, when they were little they were victims too
That's why they didn't have love for you.

So now I made what was done to me unimportant,
And became unblocked and even cleaned up my apartment.
I was happy and care free, and moved forward with living.
I had found the answer, and it is this:
To be more forgiving.

And when you forgive others by dropping resentment,
God forgives you, and you find peace and contentment.

.

Parentng Book and Santa Story - now in eBook, Paperback, and Kindle

2011-11-17T08:16:00.000-08:00

Santa and Mrs. Claus are master mentors when it comes to parenting. Want a good read? Would you like to follow Santa and Mrs. Claus as they deal with parenting issues with love and wisdom?

It's better than attending a class and you don't even have to leave home or use any gas.

I know what you are going to say, because I have heard it before.

I even heard it from a nice lady who was a receptionist at an office I used to visit. I told her that I was writing a book about parenting.

"What are you writing about right now?" she asked.

I said: "Right now I'm writing about how awful it is to force a child to stay in her room just because she was a little slow in cleaning her room. "

She said: "That's what I do with my daughter. I make her stay in her room."

I shook my head. This nice lady has thick glasses on, and I could see a picture behind her desk of a little angelic looking girl with thick glasses on (I'm guessing this was her daughter).

I said, "Why don't you try patience?"

Do you know what she said?

She said, "I tried patience and it doesn't work!"

I assured her that patience does work.

You see--she, like so many other parents, doesn't think that patience will work.

It's because she never gave it a chance. No wonder she says it doesn't work.

You see, patience never fails.

Well, here's something I know for sure. Patience=love.

So now I am going to prove to you that patience does work.

I know that if I can convince you that patience works, both you and your child will be much happier.

All you have to do is preview the first 40 or 50 pages free and you will have discovered several strategies that are based in patience and that really work.

I will be happy if Santa helps improve your relationship with your child.

Written in the tradition of LePetit Prince and Jonathan Livingston Seagull, this magical little book is the best kept secret in parenting literature. It can be read as a heart warming story; but like Le Petit Prince, it also is filled with profound insights and meaning.

Santa's Take on Parenting can be read over and over. It has the amazing quality of sparking new insight each time it is read. It makes a great gift.

But don't take my word for it. Read it for yourself.

Preview online at Scribd in eBook format for a discount

Shadow Santa and Mrs. Claus as they demonstrate their skills in gently but firmly guiding two kids with issues who are visiting with them.

Find out the secrets to their success.

Discover what Santa's skills are and why they work.

Let Santa and Mrs. Claus be your mentors!

Incidentally, just as parenting is a year round job, so is learning and developing your parenting skills! Don't wait until the holidays.

"Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD and Senior Pastor has written the book (now at Amazon.com) on alternatives to spanking. It is called Santa's Take on Parenting: Secrets from the North Pole. It will actually mentor you in learning how to apply patience and wisdom in working with your kids. It is also one of the sweetest books ever written and is right up there with Miracle on 34th Street as an all time reminder of what love is all about. "

"Little kids don't need discipline, they need direction and redirection. They need watching with love, kindness, and patience. Older kids need the loving presence of an involved aware parent. They need mentoring, coaching, and a parent who sets a good example. I'm going to tell you the truth. Time outs or spanking are poor substitutes for patience and wisdom.
.

Written in the tradition of Le Petit Prince and Jonathan Livingston Seagull, this beautiful little book can be read as a heart warming story; but like Le Petit Prince, it also is filled with profound insights and meaning. Santa's Take on Parenting can be read over and over, and it makes a great gift.

Shadow Santa and Mrs. Claus as they demonstrate their skills in gently but firmly guiding two kids who are visiting with them.

Find out the secrets to their success.

Discover what Santa's skills are and why they work.

Let Santa and Mrs. Claus be your mentors!

Incidentally, just as parenting is a year round job, so is learning and developing your parenting skills! Don't wait until the holidays.

Click here to preview at Amazon.com in both quality paperback and in Kindle.

Now at Barnes and Noble Nookbook. In color!

I know that if I can convince you that patience works, both you and your child will be much happier.

All you have to do is preview the first 40 or 50 pages free and you will have discovered several strategies that are based in patience and that really work.

I will be happy if Santa helps improve your relationship with your child.

Shadow Santa and Mrs. Claus as they demonstrate their skills in gently but firmly guiding two kids with issues who are visiting with them.

Find out the secrets to their success.

Discover what Santa's skills are and why they work.

Let Santa and Mrs. Claus be your mentors!

Incidentally, just as parenting is a year round job, so is learning and developing your parenting skills! Don't wait until the holidays.

.

Santa's Take on Parenting: Secrets from the North Pole

.What does Santa have to say about homework, discipline, and chores?
.
Santa Claus has finally spoken on the subject of parenting. Who is better suited to give advice than the one who has brought joy and delight to children for as long as anyone can remember?
.
In this modern day Santa story for parents, the reader follows Santa and Mrs. Claus as they work with a couple of kids who come to stay with them. The results are positive and inspirational, as Santa teaches by example how patience and creativity can make parenting a lot more fun and easy.

"In this fun filled educational book, the author introduces innovative parenting strategies by using the power of story telling to take the reader on a fictional visit with Santa and Mrs. Claus. The reader learns how Santa and Mrs. Claus handle issues that arise with a pair of youngsters who spend a few months with the Clauses."
.
What are "time outs Santa Style?"
.
How does Santa solve discipline and communication issues?
.
What's on Santa's do's and don'ts list?
.

Click Here to Look Inside!

What is Santa's secret to making chores fun and easy?
.
What does Santa say to parents about getting off to a good start?
.
You'll find the answers to these questions and more in this book, destined to become a classic. Roland's new book is a Santa story for grownups with many teachable moments.

Santa's Take on Parenting is a handbook for parents. It has many new, easy to use creative solutions to typical kids issues.

But it is also a fun read and a good story. For example, you will also find out

What does Mrs. Claus do?
What does Mrs. Claus feed Santa?
What is Santa's favorite snack
What does Santa look like?
Does Santa use a computer
What sitting in Santa's sleigh is like
And much more

What others are saying about Santa's Take

"Every parent should read this book."
--Suzy, real estate broker, San Francisco, CA

"Your book is great and should go over well."
Dee, principal, Anderson, CA

“Santa's Take on Parenting" is a real find. I was looking for a book that makes the case for positive and creative parenting without spanking or excessive reliance on punishment.
I plan to provide a copy to my moms and dads who are just getting started or soon to be parents. I also wish to make it "required reading" for parents who need some coaching in positive parenting. Santa's Take will make learning about parenting fun and easier for lots of busy parents.
— Mary, parent educator, Emeryville, CA.

.
“Whimsical" After I read Santa's Take on Parenting, I gave a copy to my adoptive and foster parent agency to have in their lending library. — Alicia, mother of three, Northern California

Your kids will listen when you say "Santa says."
.
.Ideal for parents, grandparents, foster parents and anyone who loves kids.
.

Order the beautiful quality paperback edition at Amazon.com as a gift for someone you love
.

10% of every dollar is donated directly to needy shelters for people (and pets too)!

.

and now available for Kindle too!

.

A Word to Parents, Foster Parents and Grandparents
The Issue:

You like giving books as gifts, but you want to give a book that is fun and useful. You need a book for a dad, a mom, a teenage mom, a friend, or someone who just works with kids.

The Solution:

Santa's Take on Parenting reads like a novel, is good for both moms and dads, has dozens of parenting tips, and is fun to read.

The Issue:

You know someone who could use some fresh ideas for dealing with their kids. But you don't want to be intrusive or raise resistance.

The Solution:

Santa's Take on Parenting is a fun read and it has lots of creative positive ideas without being heavy handed. It can be read as a good story or as a parenting book.

No Particular Issue, you're just interested in parenting and want to read a good book.

The Solution: Santa's Take on Parenting

.

Use this special link, and 20% of every dollar will be donated directly to needy shelters for people (and pets too!)

.

Should I Tell My Wife I Have an Online Addiction?

2011-10-18T15:09:00.000-07:00

Many people are struggling with addiction to online images. They want to talk to someone and start taking steps to conquer their addiction.

I am pleased to announce that I am now accepting clients who are struggling with internet addictions.

This is a growing phenomenon and there needs to be competent, compassionate pastoral counseling available for this issue.

While I never seek to replace face to face counseling and I never seek to take the place of a person's local pastor or spiritual caregiver, the truth is that there is a desperate need for a competent online pastoral counselor

People are embarrassed to talk to their local pastor and therefore may avoid getting help at all

People are afraid of revealing a personal issue to people who may talk about it to others in the community

People do not want to have a record following them around

They want to talk to someone anonymously

I am available for chat, phone, or email consultation at LivePerson. Liveperson is a safe, secure platform and your name, phone or email is not given to the counselor.

If you need help, or need to start moving forward to recovery, then please contact me today at LivePerson.

Pastor Roland Trujillo MS PhD BCPC

Arguing Over Money? Popular California Radio Advice Host Offers Help

2011-10-10T12:19:00.000-07:00

Hello, this is Roland. With the current financial crisis, I decided to republish my classic chapter on dealing with financial difficulties here. The reason? Because we often fight over money. Frankly, the money is often not the main issue (it is a substitute for what is really going on). Nevertheless, finances are an issue. So regardless of what you are arguing about, and whether or not it involves money--there are some good (tough love) principles here. We all need to be reminded that the best things in life are not things. Your friend and champion of reconciliation, Roland

Don't Let Financial Problems Harm Your Marriage

Financial crisis does not have to lead to family crisis. Economic troubles don't have to result in relationship or health problems.

You can still be reasonably happy, healthy, loving, and cheerful in spite of external circumstances.

We all know this at some level. We have all heard that money can't buy you happiness. We've all seen families who have very little, but who have a lot of love. We've seen great men and women come out of poverty.

Many of us who are a bit older remember when we were young newlyweds, for example, and had nothing but a one room apartment, a lamp, and some boxes to sit on. We remember that we were happy, much happier than years later when we had many material possessions.

Some of us have experienced getting what we wanted, having our heart's desire and yet feeling miserable and unfulfilled.

Editor's Note: This is an excerpt from Roland's book My Husband and I Argue All the Time: time tested truths for healing relationships.

So if you know this, why do you get upset, worried, distraught, and begin to have a churning stomach when you can't pay all your bills or lose your job?

The reason why is both simple and profound. First the simple sound byte version: you've permitted yourself to become upset over trivial issues. Thus you indulged emotions, and now when the bigger issues arrive, you are easily thrown out of control. How can you remain calm in big troubles when you allow yourself to get upset by the little ones?

The simple answer is this: start to exercise what character you have left. Have some discipline. Be a man. Be a woman. Set a good example for your kids. Don't indulge worry, doubts, and fears. Never take counsel of your fears, as a great general once said. Be patient. Remember: this to shall pass. Get busy, do something: go for a walk. Help someone. Look for work. Volunteer. Forget self.

Pay special attention to and beware of anger, which makes you wrong and guilty, and which conditions you to be reactive and out of control. See how judgment leads to anger. Let go of judgment.

Now the more profound reason why we permit external circumstance to affect our inner life, and by extension our relationship with others. We are egotistical and selfish. We lack faith, and we have always been taught to look to the outside for answers or into our intellect for answers. We are too externalized.

In other words, we look to the outside world for guidance. We look to the outside for support and comfort for our ego. And when we are not looking to others, we are looking into our intellect, hoping to dredge up some answer from there.

Where we should be looking is to intuition, what we ascertain wordlessly in the inner Light from God. But we avoid intuition, because having strayed from it, it now comes back as 20-20 hindsight. It feels like conscience, and it makes us feel bad. And as long as we don't want to be sorry and admit our mistakes, we avoid feeling bad and shun conscience.

Of course, that is what just about everyone else is doing to. Can you see the folly of looking to some expert for guidance: an expert who is a prideful intellectual and who is devoid of conscience because he or she avoids conscience too? It is truly a case of the blind leading the blind.

But as I said, it is not totally your fault. You could not help inheriting the nature that is prone to being prideful. Nor could you help believing what everyone told you to do: get an education, look to experts for knowledge, be ambitious, set goals, and so on. You may have had a suspicion that there was something wrong with the teachers, educators, professors and experts' advice, since most of their own personal lives ended in failure.

But you did not grasp intuition (your hunch about such things) firmly enough. In your natural pridefulness, you wanted to get what you could out of life, and you went down the garden path that everyone else said was the way to go.

Without true faith, how could you argue with the material possessions, seeming pleasure, and monetary benefits others were getting from working the system?

Yet, perhaps you suspected that all was not what it was cut out to be. You may also have seen examples of people who were industrious but not ambitious, who were principled and honorable and who succeeded without copping out, lying, cheating or tricking people.

Now it is not your fault that the culture in which you live does everything in its power to convince you that the answer to your problems is out there somewhere. We are told education is the answer, that knowledge is the answer. We are told that romantic "love" is the answer. We are always looking to some person to make us happy, cure us, or give us some secret to getting rich. We are told the a house, a car, a bank account is the answer. We are told that financial security is the answer.

No, I'm not suggesting that we should endeavor to be poor or at the end of our rope. What I am saying is that "where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

Advertisers, and particularly the chemical pharmaceutical companies, spend billions to convince you that the answer to your problems lies in a pill.

We are treated like sheep, like children, even worse. We are treated as if we were animals: just chemicals, hormones, and stimulus response animals.

Until you fully grasp that you are a human being with a soul, and until you find the secret to the power of good available within to resolve problems, you will be at the mercy of those who want power over you.

Whenever we look to outside person, object, goal or substance for security, we become externalized and dependent. This leads to greater insecurity. Just think back to the last time you desperately wanted some outcome (even if it was making a putt on the golf course!). Your insecurity and anxiety increased.

The answer is within. The answer is in learning to become objective and aware, functioning from intuition, with faith, and the guiding of intuitive understanding, and the protection of God's inner Light. The answer is to trust more in your own God given intuition than in what others say.

So long as you look to the world for answers, for love, or for some sort of ego validation, you will remain tied to the world and dependent on it. You will become resentful when others betray you.

So long as you are externalized, when a change occurs, when the rain falls, the economy falters, or the customers aren't buying, you will become upset and frustrated.

Learn to go through life with equanimity. Do not become overly excited when things go well. Don't become crestfallen when they don't. Remember: man does not live by bread alone, but by every word from the mouth of God.

Also remember that other people are lost too. Others are externalized. They have not found the answer. No one loved them enough to tell them the truth. No one had the understanding to share with them the inner path to God.

Therefore you must not hate other people. Many of us have grudges against our parents for not guiding us properly and for letting something bad happen to us. Just remember: they could not give you what they did not have themselves. Also know that hatred and resentment cuts you off from inner love.

Self reliance, composure, and independence is what you need. When you are totally dependent on your Creator within, then you will no longer be dependent on outside security or love. And when you no longer need love, you will be able to give love.

But lo and behold, when you no longer are desperate for love, security or anything else, then chances are that things will turn around. Good things will come your way, people will seek you out (and you won't drive them away with your clinging need). You will begin to relate to everything properly.

Begin by letting go of your resentments against others, beginning with those closest to you. Stop looking to the world for love and guidance. Stand back and observe. Listen to what people have to say without reacting emotionally for or against them. When you read, don't get absorbed. Instead scan lightly for clues.

Hello, my name is Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD and a few years ago I wrote the book on arguing in marriage. It was entitled My Husband and I Argue--Time Tested Truths for Healing Relationships. This classic book is still available (see one dollar special). I retitled it as Marriage Matters: Lessons from the past, Hope for the Future.

Now it's been updated and expanded to over 310 pages, with new chapters on infidelity, courtship, marital relations and more. It is now entitled The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage.

I am convinced that arguing is not necessarily a bad thing. There was a great Hollywood movie starring Spencer Tracy and Kathryn Hepburn called Adam's Rib. They argued all the time, but they loved each other. But I am also convinced that what IS bad and harmful is arguing with resentment. It is the resentment (often masquerading in other forms, even illness) that is harmful and needs to be eliminated. So I look at these three things:

1. Arguing in the wrong way. In other words with anger, then hurt feelings, resentful silence, suppressed hostility, getting even, and sometimes violence. This is not good. A few simple clues about how to argue in the right way just might solve your issue.Learn how to argue in the right way now and preview the book free. Now purchase, read and download to your computer or a mobile device for $1.00 (save 90%).

2. The second big issue is resentment. Resentment often masquerades as unhappiness, hurt feelings, moodiness, being repressed, depression and even anxiety. If you are resentful it is hurting your state of mind, your emotional well being, your kids, and even your health. 3. The third key is is the harm that negative emotions do--if you are angry underneath, it is hurting your state of mind, your emotional state, your spiritual well being, and ultimately your heath. It will also hurt your kids.

So it is quite clear that for your own good (and the good of your relationship), the first thing to focus on is the negative emotion. Regardless of what you are arguing about, whether or not he is right or wrong--first you must look at the negative emotions objectively, if for no other reason than to protect your well being. Then you will be able to protect your health, refind peace of mind, and improve your relationship.

If you are arguing in the wrong way, or if emotions are getting the better of you, then you need to read more. You've come to the right place if you are tired of bitterness or unhappiness, and you suspect that some physical symptoms might have a connection to the stress of arguing.

Upset, anger and hurt feelings are not good for peace of mind, and can actually ruin your health because of the stress toll they take.

Women tend to blame themselves when something is wrong with the relationship; but I have always said that it is almost always the man's fault. Men are generally either weak or violent--neither is good. Instead of blaming yourself, find out what is really going on between men and women.

Probably your emotions are out of control. But there is one emotion that you do have control over. Resentment. I would like to help you locate the resentment (often hidden or masquerading as some other symptom, even physical) and eliminate it from your life.

Without the anger, irritation, frustration and hurt feelings diminish, you can deal with what is happening with more composure (not bottling things up). Just think how good this would be for your body, your state of mind, your emotional health, your well being AND your relationship.

Read Roland's classic article: What is the Number One Cause of Divorce

Click here to purchase in handsome quality paperback edition exclusively at CafePress.

Special offer For a donation of any amount, get the book in eBook version as our gift--click here to look inside. This is also a good place to preview over 30 pages free.

Look inside and preview in eBook format at Scribd Purchase to read online or download to your computer or mobile device for only $1.00

Why Do I Resent My Husband? Is There a Counselor Who Specializes in this Issue?

2011-10-06T21:31:00.001-07:00

"This is serious business, says Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD who has been counseling people and helping them deal with unforgiveness and stress for over 20 years. Resentment may seem like a little thing, but it is not. Resentment can ruin your relationship and it can ruin your health. It can also ruin your life.

That's why I have placed 27 of my most popular articles online free (look for the Ezine articles Badge in the right sidebar) and have reduced my first relationship repair eBook to one dollar. I need to get the word out about resentment and how to overcome it.

The wife who admits she resents her husband and is looking for answers is taking an important step. My work on the correlation between stress, resentment and emotional unhappiness has made me the go to person when it comes to this issue."

The following are excerpts from one of my most popular articles "What is the Number One Cause of Divorce" and which is also a chapter in my new book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage

Are you stressed out? Have you noticed that when you are resentful, you become more sensitive to life's little issues? When you are stressed at work, do you come home and easily lose patience with your kids? Do you come home and resent your husband over some little things that he does?

Do you get angry at slow traffic or slow grocery lines? Would terms like "exasperated, nervous, irritated, or impatient" describe you?

If so, you are probably over-reacting. And the worst reaction of all is that of resentment. It sets you up for becoming increasingly sensitive to what you might otherwise take in stride. . . . . . . . . . . .

I can honestly tell you that the number one reason for marriage break ups and relationship problems is resentment.
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I understand why people become resentful. When things aren't going well or when others don't seem to understand us or our needs, that's when we need love, patience and understanding the most.
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We don't have it within because we are already destabilized and not in our center. So we look for love and understanding from others. And when they don't have it: we become resentful.
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What I have discovered in my 21 years of writing and talking to people about resentment is this: when things aren't going right, we look to change things on the outside.
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And of course our most frequent first choice is to try to change the our partner. But you have found that this doesn't work. Whether it is your partner, your child, or your parent--trying to change another person makes things worse. Either people resist our manipulations and rebel; or else they fall for our manipulations and become weak and dependent.

So here is the answer. Instead of looking to the outside for love, or looking to the outside to try to change someone, I have found that it is most helpful to first look at two things: one, our resentment; and two, our over-reactions that destabilize us in the first place.

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Another thing--resentment ushers in a cascade of emotions, like anger, frustration, unhappiness, and bitterness. It can also lead to suppression and repression, guilt, and feeling trapped. Then there are the physical symptoms that are contributed to by resentment.

Bottom line: a lot of times when we don't like ourselves--it is actually resentment that is the initiating factor. Sooooooo, if you could just let go of the resentment . . . .

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If you could learn to stand back and observe others without resentment or upset--understanding, patience and compassion could enter the picture. Secondly, you would begin to see clearly (when the emotional fog has cleared) what is really going on. So you could make better, calmer, and reasonable decisions.

"A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers."
-- Ruth Bell Graham
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People often say it is hard to let go of resentment. l can show you how to let go of resentment. I even have a little free meditation that helps you calm down and get started.
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New! The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is now available in quality paperback at Amazon.com
The price for this 315 page book is $14.50. A portion of all eStore sales is donated to help homeless pets at animal shelters. The rest helps Roland help others. Buy now.

For a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in pdf. format as a token of our appreciation.

Roland Trujillo, author, lecturer, marriage coach,
and author introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights,

the challenges and the mysteries of marriage.

For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples
repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living.

Roland is now bringing his insights,
based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a
new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.

Why do we argue? How can I be more forgiving? Does divorce affect the kids? Can I save my marriage? My wife cheated on me-now what? My husband annoys me. Can we reconcile?

This long awaited book answers these questions and more. For years, listeners have thrilled to hear Roland on the radio. Now his advice for couples is crystallized in this unique look at relationships. Roland talks about the “how” of loving, forgiving, and reconciling. He will help you understand how resentment blocks love, and how to become unblocked.

Roland even explains how the ancient story of Adam and Eve is still repeated in homes today. This book is for anyone interested in relationships, why they get in trouble, and how to repair them

To preview and purchase in eBook to download to your computer or mobile device at Scribd for $9.95, click here

For a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in simple pdf. to read on your Adobe reader as a token of our appreciation.

Coping with Feelings of Inferiority and Finding Confidence - Advice from Online Pastor PhD

2011-09-17T21:23:00.000-07:00

You would be surprised how many people have feelings of inferiority--some in one area, some in another, some globally. Sooner or later you will hear stories of movie stars, championship athletes, and successful people from all walks of life who confess that they have always had feelings of inferiority.

You will be relieved to know that others--even successful people--suffer from a sense of inferiority. But just knowing this fact will not do you any good. Besides, for every "successful" person there are dozens of people who settle for second best because of some trip that was laid on them when they were kids, or because of some suggestion they picked up and have never been able to shake.

I remember seeing a story about a bird that did a backward somersault whenever it wanted to be fed. Everyone thought the trainer was responsible, but this unusual behavior came about by sheer chance. Just as the bird was about to be fed, a loud noise occurred and the startled bird jumped clumsily and did a backward somersault. Because it happened to be immediately fed, the bird associated the jump with food. The bird continued to somersault for food and became conditioned to do so.

I tell this story, because many of us were exposed to negative suggestions (even ones we happened to overhear) that have haunted us, sometimes for years. Here is why. By chance, something bad happened that appeared to confirm the negative suggestion. Through association and then belief, the suggestion became a prediction. The association of the suggestion and a negative incident made it stick. Recovery depends on letting go of resentment, because resentment is the glue that holds it all together. It is normal for the bird in our example to mindlessly associate, but humans are supposed to bring reason to bear on anything we hear, see or experience. It is resentment that cuts us off from reason and renders us suggestible.

Thereafter we bought into the suggestion, and it dictated the scope of our life from that point on. After the initial seeding through association and resentment, it is just a matter of conditioning. I am sure you have heard about the fleas raised in a 6 inch tall container. When they were put in a taller container, they continued to only jump six inches.

ch is the power of suggestion, association, plus conditioning. For humans, the combination of negative suggestion and seeming confirmations, followed by belief, makes many of us prisoners of conditioning and false belief.

We think we are dumb, ugly, clumsy, unlucky, losers, the wrong race, or the wrong background, and so on. We might also have bought a suggestion that we are cursed or that God has turned His back on us.

Whatever negative suggestion we have taken in and believed then dictates our life. Just who would want to make such a negative suggestion, and why would you believe it? One thing is sure: learning to resist negative suggestion is one of the most important skills that anyone can learn.

I will say this: it is resentment that is the emotion that causes a negative suggestion to stick. Resentment also happens to be (along with anger) the emotion of conditioning. Moreover, resentment is also the emotion that psychically sustains the negative suggestion in the mind and triggers negative feelings.

Because resentment is, in fact, an inferior response it perpetuates and seems to confirm any negative self thoughts we have. This is a very important point, so I will repeat it again.
Resentment is an inferior response. We all can sometimes sense when another is resentful. We just do not have as much respect for them as we do for the person who is gracious and loving.

When you or I are resentful, we feel inferior because resentment is inferior to love, patience, and graciousness. But while in the throes of resentment and negativity, we do not realize why we feel so negative.

Instead of realizing that it is only because of the resentment, we falsely ascribe our inferior and negative feeling to some negative suggestion. In simple terms, if someone calls you a loser, and you resent them, you are likely to eventually buy into the suggestion because you feel inferior. But if you could let go of the resentment--the suggestion would have no emotion to sustain it, and it would diminish.

Without the coloring of emotion, you would be free to see the reality of the situation, make objective assessments, and take some positive actions. No longer would you feel doomed and defeated.

Therefore, the key to regaining self confidence and becoming all that you can be is to let go of resentment. Admittedly some people use resentment to spur them on to compensate and succeed. But in the long run, resentment (being itself negative and wrong) results in guilt, anxiety and eventually exhaustion when we run out of compensation energy. Even if you accomplish great things or make a lot of money, the resentment will eventually color and ruin the joy of achievement. Let go of resentment, and you will be free to succeed without guilt.

Bear in mind that we have all failed in some area, perhaps many areas, multiple times. We have messed up big and small. And yes, some things have gone wrong that were not our fault too. But why can't we just set aside any past failure, and live out each new moment fresh without bringing up baggage from the past and without having past failure color the new moment?

Have you ever noticed that many really good athletes are able to forget about a bad game or mistake, such or a missed free throw?

The secret is to learn how to take a mistake in stride. I am sharing with you the secret to doing this: watch out for and let go of resentment.

Do not resent another person, yourself, the game, or fate. It happened. Now forget it and move on. What most of us do is resent one thing, then another, and then another. Soon we resent our work, our boss, our mate, our circumstances, and even ourselves. Resentment spreads until a person might conceivably resent everything! Why? Because we do not do what the successful athlete does. Instead of forgetting things we did not like, we remember bad things. Then we resent them again and again, each time we remember them.

When a person is resentful all the time, they cannot feel good about themselves. A resentful person feels mean spirited and negative. He rejects the good and begins to have an affinity for the bad. "I'm no good," she says, and "I don't deserve to feel good."
It is resentment that wrecks our self esteem.

Now look at what happens. When this resentful person with low self esteem faces certain situations (such as asking someone to the prom, sinking the free throw, making the sale or whatever), they think things like: "this is my one chance, if I blow this it proves I'm a loser. I've got to succeed here, if I don't, I'm just a failure."

Self talk makes it so that a person's whole self esteem can depend on succeeding this one time. The self imposed burden is so heavy that it breeds nervousness, anxiety, fear, and trepidation.
Look at what happens. Because of timing, the roll of the ball, or a myriad of circumstances, something is likely to go wrong. Even the best batters get a hit less than half the time. With this kind of self imposed pressure, the tension and nervousness are likely to make something go wrong. Then the old suggestion, association and conditioning are reinforced.

So watch out for this kind of destructive mental game--it can lead to throwing in the towel or to compulsivity. It can also lead to a life of mediocrity and hiding in the shadows because the person is afraid of attempting anything where there is any chance of failure. Be aware of how resentment leads to negative internal chatter and emotions.

Again, I say: watch out for resentment and when you see it, let it go. Just go through life easily. Do what you can, but do not have any expectation of the outcome. Even if you mess up, just see that you messed up, but don't resent yourself.

Remember: it is resentment that sustains the negativity from the past. Let go of the resentment and you will be free to face each new situation. Again, do what you can, but do not try to succeed. Just make a decent effort and then let it go.

Find out more about our free meditation to deal with negative emotions.

Can I Reconcile With . . . . . Answers in New Marriage Book by Roland Trujillo PhD

2011-09-16T18:54:00.001-07:00

Editor's note: this is just part of one chapter in Roland's book: The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage. Now in ebook.

The short answer is yes, but. . . .

The somewhat longer answer: Maybe and maybe not. There are many factors involved, as well as complications. The other side may not want to. Especially if you were not a very good husband, wife, or parent.

Perhaps things were going south, but you were too busy or a little naive. You didn't see what was happening until a crisis hit--such as she filed for divorce, he found someone else, or a child ran away from home.

This article is about some sort of falling away due to issues; but there are cases where it wasn't your fault at all. For example, a young couple gets married and right away the war intervenes. Thousands of miles apart, things can change, especially today with all the influences on people.

But usually people are interested in this topic if the separation was the result of hurt feelings, arguments, and misunderstandings. Most of the time both sides must shoulder some of the responsibility. Thinking back, we realize that we could have been more understanding, less selfish, and a lot less resentful.

Now we are ready to be a good mom, dad, husband or wife, but is it possible to reconcile? . . . . . . Read more in Roland's new 315 page marriage and relationship book.

____________________

Hello, my name is Roland and I am a pastor. I've been on the radio for almost 22 years, both secular stations and Christian stations around the country.

I get a lot of questions about relationships and marriage--probably most of the questions I get. A couple of years ago I wrote a book about marriage. It was excellent, but I wanted to take it to the next level.

I think that The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage really does fulfill my expectations. I wanted a book that is about marriage, and even though I am conservative and traditional, I wanted the book to be inclusive. And it is.

People who are in long term or short term relationships will enjoy and benefit from my book. I talk about some of the deep aspects of marriage, and I can explain why so many relationships have issues.

I also wanted at talk about dating and courtship (there is a difference), and why I favor courtship.

I wanted a book for ladies who are working on their relationship. But I also wanted it to be a book that men, especially thoughtful men who want to be good husbands and fathers, will feel comfortable with.

I wanted a book that is serious--a serious book about a serious and important topic. But I also wanted it to be fun--a good read--and even funny in parts.

Finally I wanted to write a book that can be read again and again. Each time getting some new insight. Or a book that a young man or lady who is just married, and issues develop, can reach for and turn to the chapter on the issue, and get some insights and solutions.

I believe that this is the book.

Your friend, Pastor Roland

Product Description

Why do couples argue? How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage? How can we communicate better? I’m a Christian but my boyfriend is not. What is the difference between courtship and casual dating? My wife asked me to leave. Why are men the way we are? What does my wife want? Can we reconcile? How about sex? My wife cheated on me –now what? Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio, this is the courtship, marriage and relationship repair handbook you have been waiting for. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.

About the Author

Roland Trujillo, lecturer, marriage coach, author, radio host, husband and dad, introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage. For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living. Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.
Product Details

Paperback: 318 pages
ISBN-10: 1463663706
ISBN-13: 978-1463663704Here it is. The book you have been waiting for.

Written by Pastor Roland and based on 20 years of counseling and coaching couples

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your
God Given Instincts
10
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

Purchase at Amazon.com in quality paperback for $14.95

Preview at Scribd and purchase to download to your computer or mobile device for $9.95. Save 33% off paperback

Got a budget? Want to help Pastor Roland? For a donation of $5.00 we will send you this 315 page book in pdf. as a token of our appreciation. Click here to look inside or donate to help Roland

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Healing Relationships: Did You Know that Roland is listed on Christian Po...

2011-08-30T09:48:00.000-07:00

Healing Relationships: Did You Know that Roland is listed on Christian Po...: In addition to pastoral counseling, Roland Trujillo PhD saw a need to answer quick questions for educational purposes. This is a free serv...

Relationship Repair - Read The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage by Roland Trujillo

2011-08-28T20:57:00.000-07:00

Obviously, I don't know your personal circumstances, so I can only speak in generalities.

Let me say first, while I still have your attention, that my book offers lots of insights into marriage that go beyond just the usual advice to be a better listener or about being more romantic. I'm glad that others have some good tips in these areas.

But what I do is something a little different: I look at the nature of men and women and the history of the misunderstanding between men and women. With a little bit of understanding, we can stand back and get the big picture.

There is a profound aspect to humans--we are more than just physical forms, we also have a soul. And the coming together of two humans is not a casual thing.

For one thing, humans are very sensitive creatures. Another thing: people have a history and bring baggage into the marriage. Finally, there is something between men and women that began back in the Garden of Eden. Since we are all humans, none of us escape the legacy of Adam and Eve.

Marriage is thus a setting in which to work out our differences, learn to be unselfish, and discover the meaning of life.

There is no way I can even scratch the surface in one blog, let alone one book. But I must say that my book offers some very helpful clues. Plus it is a good read!

Let me address myself first to relatively newly weds (people who have been married for less than 5 to 10 year). You have been married long enough to discover that every marriage has issues that arise. It's not so much the disagreements, the fights over money, or the jousting for control. It's not so much the differences in goals or viewpoints.

What is key is first of all: sooner or later every person discovers that they are selfish. That they want their needs met and that they become resentful when their needs are not met.

We also discover that thoughts of escaping, divorcing, separating, starting anew come to mind. These thoughts either come out of nowhere, or they come to us from so-called friends, the media, the movies, the so-called experts and so on.

Understand this: those who cater to your ego (which they will do because they want something from you--either your approval or they want you to support them in their selfishness; or they want you to buy their services or books) will appeal to your selfishness. They will tell you what you want to hear. More often than not, nowadays, what they say favors breaking up or finding yourself.

Gone is the match maker, the wise aunt, or the elderly respected lady of the neighborhood who offers good advice and tells you to stay married.

Nowadays, you are on your own, or you are at the mercy of peers (who are just as lost as you are), vacant media types who don't have a clue, or so-called experts (whose own lives are often a mess).
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Remember: advice from strangers is from people who will not suffer the consequences of their advice. One nice lady resented her husband after 15 years of marriage. This lady went to a counselor (who was fresh out of graduate school and probably wasn't even married herself), who told her to divorce. The lady divorced her husband, ruined her life, ended up in poverty, and her health fell apart. She lost everything.

Incidentally I happen to know that her husband did not drink, take drugs, gamble, or womanize. He had a very successful business and was home every night. The kids were honor students and had no big issues.

Let me tell you that nothing but misery and suffering were the result of the divorce. No, I'm not saying that if your spouse is violent, a drug user, a multiple offender criminal or adulterer that you have to stay with him or her.

But I am suggesting that if your spouse is basically decent, it might be a good idea for you to take a little marital attitude survey, before you rush off and do anything rash.

Marital Attitude Questionnaire

Please answer each question with yes or no.

1. I resent my spouse.
2. I find myself secretly judging my spouse.
3. I have suppressed anger and hostility toward my spouse.
4. He/she irritates me.
5. I feel bitter about what has happened in my marriage.
6. I resent my dad for not having been there for me.
7. I am jealous of other people, who seem to be having more fun than me.
8. My mom resented my dad and now I feel the same about my husband.
9. I feel like I am enabling my spouse's issues.
10. I can't forgive him/her for what he/she did.

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, it might be good to first look at your own resentment, because resentment colors your observations and makes it impossible to be objective.

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, it also means that you are being stressed by unforgiveness. Remember, it's not so much what happens to us, but how we react to it. The stress of unforgiveness makes you nervous and increases your sensitivity to things. This makes it very hard to remain calm.

I know: you've heard this all before. But I will say it again: one happy worker becomes resentful and unhappy when he accidentally finds out that one of his peers is making $10 a month more than he does. Yet Dr. Albert Schweitzer (the world famous humanitarian doctor to Africa) had very little and yet was happy. Throughout the world there are many sweet children who have very little and yet are happy.

In fact, remember when you were a little child. You could find happiness and joy in playing with some pebbles or drawing with your crayons. When something happened and the tears came, it only took a few minutes for the clouds to clear, the sunshine to come out, and laughter to return.

So I ask you: what is the difference between you then and you now? The difference is one thing: Resentment.

If there was one piece of advice I could give you it would be: Be more forgiving. Let go of resentment.

Read more. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Is There a Marriage or Relationship Counseling Book for Men?

2011-08-02T18:33:00.000-07:00

Roland Trujillo who has a PhD in Pastoral Psychology and has been advising couples for over 20 years on his advice radio program has finally taken some time away from his golf game to write a relationship book with several chapter devoted to a man's perspective.

Product Description

Why do couples argue? How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage? How can we communicate better? I’m a Christian but my boyfriend is not. What is the difference between courtship and casual dating? My wife asked me to leave. Why are men the way we are? What does my wife want? Can we reconcile? How about sex? My wife cheated on me –now what? Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio, this is the courtship, marriage and relationship repair handbook you have been waiting for. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.

About the Author

Roland Trujillo, lecturer, marriage coach, author, radio host, husband and dad, introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage. For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living. Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.
Product Details

Paperback: 318 pages
ISBN-10: 1463663706
ISBN-13: 978-1463663704

Roland is making his new book available in eBook to download to your computer or mobile device.

To preview and purchase in eBook to download to your computer or mobile device at Scribd for $9.95, click here

Written by Pastor Roland and based on 20 years of counseling and coaching couples

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your
God Given Instincts
10
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

Purchase at Amazon.com in quality paperback for $14.95

Preview at Scribd and purchase to download to your computer or mobile device for $9.95. Save 33% off paperback

Got a budget? Want to help Pastor Roland? For a donation of $5.00 we will send you this 315 page book in pdf. as a token of our appreciation. Click here to look inside or donate to help Roland

Save 66% from paperback price

We Fight All the Time

2011-07-20T07:35:00.000-07:00

Josh and Kaitlin just had another big spat. This time the huge argument was over the toothpaste tube.

Last week they had a big argument over money. Two weeks ago the argument was over whether to have the window open or closed.

Each time she throws everything in his face. He clams up. Nothing is solved. Another layer is added to unfinished business and baggage from the past, which resurfaces the next time they argue.

To the untrained observer, it would appear that the issue was the toothpaste tube, money or the window. But to Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD, not so.

"The toothpaste tube is only the occasion for pent up hostility, suppressed angers and long standing unfinished business to burst forth."

Roland continues: "Here's the rest of the story. Josh comes home from work and sits down in front of the television. Kaitlin had been working all day and taking care of the kids. She feels unappreciated.

Josh can sense that she is angry about something, but he doesn't want to begin a conversation because he knows the dam will break and she will throw a long list of things in his face. So he avoids talking.

Josh stays home in the evening even though his friends want him to play cards with them. He is angry because she does not appreciate his sacrifice. Kaitlin complains that the repair he made in the bathroom is not working so she is going to have to call someone else to do it who knows what they are doing. Josh feels like she does not respect him.

Kaitlin wants to talk. She hopes the maybe when thy go to bed, they can talk like they used to. Josh falls asleep right away. Kaitlin feels unloved.

Kaitlin admits to her friend that she tends to throw everything at him all at once. He probably feels overwhelmed says her friend. I know, says Kaitlin, but I can't help it. I keep trying to get his attention."

And once she does, everything that she has been holding in comes out. Afterwards she feels guilty about it.

Josh tells his friends that he loves his wife, but "she is never satisfied with anything I do." "I'm always wrong."

Soon one or both of them are thinking: "I'm tired of arguing. I'm tired of not being appreciated. I'm tired of being the one who has to work on our marriage. I'm tired of always giving in for peace. We have nothing in common. The love is gone."

Here's the bottom line, says Roland. Kaitlin is resentful. And so is Josh. It is the resentment that causes the accumulation of hurt feelings and hostility. The accumulation of upset leads to either exploding in anger or suppressing and clamming up. Neither is healthy.

Resentment washes away reason. Resentment takes away the ability to be reasonable and calm. It leads to frustration and upset. These lead to discouragement, feeling tired, negative thinking, stress and physical symptoms that stress contributes to.

I can help, says Roland. By learning to let go of resentment, you stop upset, frustration, bitterness, discouragement and all the other negative symptoms and feelings. It is also resentment that makes you feel empty.

Roland's practical solutions are based in understanding. "I describe the why of what is happening. I talk about men and women, about how they are different and about the common mistakes we make. Understanding is the answer. And when you become aware of what is really going on and see many good reasons for letting go of resentment, your new understanding will help you feel better and become more joyous and positive.

If your partner also develops understanding, then your relationship can become heaven on earth. If only you become more aware and mature in your understanding, you are still much better off because you will be able to deal gracefully with situations, and spare yourself the upset, frustration and emptiness you now feel.

Another thing, says Roland. Many people know they are resentful and want to give it up, but don't know how. I know how, and I show you.

Other people think that being more forgiving means giving in for peace. But I can show you that it is resentment and guilt that makes you keep quiet or give in now. I can show you how to let go of resentment, which frees you up to express yourself and speak up (without resentment).

What I teach should be common knowledge, but you can hardly get these insights anywhere else. Sure there are some good marriage and relationship programs or counseling. The seminar leaders, writer or counselor may be working with bits and pieces of the solution. But I have the whole and I put it all together. With others, you get some pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, but I can give yo the complete picture.

It is not for everyone though. Some people just want to hang onto resentment and judgment. And as long as they are unwilling to give them up, they are not ready for understanding. But when they are ready, my teachings are a God sent.

____________________

Hello, my name is Roland and I am a pastor. I've been on the radio for almost 22 years, both secular stations and Christian stations around the country.

I get a lot of questions about relationships and marriage--probably most of the questions I get. A couple of years ago I wrote a book about marriage. It was excellent, but I wanted to take it to the next level.

I think that The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage really does fulfill my expectations. I wanted a book that is about marriage, and even though I am conservative and traditional, I wanted the book to be inclusive. And it is.

People who are in long term or short term relationships will enjoy and benefit from my book. I talk about some of the deep aspects of marriage, and I can explain why so many relationships have issues.

I also wanted at talk about dating and courtship (there is a difference), and why I favor courtship.

I wanted a book for ladies who are working on their relationship. But I also wanted it to be a book that men, especially thoughtful men who want to be good husbands and fathers, will feel comfortable with.

I wanted a book that is serious--a serious book about a serious and important topic. But I also wanted it to be fun--a good read--and even funny in parts.

Finally I wanted to write a book that can be read again and again. Each time getting some new insight. Or a book that a young man or lady who is just married, and issues develop, can reach for and turn to the chapter on the issue, and get some insights and solutions.

I believe that this is the book.

Your friend, Pastor Roland

Product Description

Why do couples argue? How can we put the sparkle back in our marriage? How can we communicate better? I’m a Christian but my boyfriend is not. What is the difference between courtship and casual dating? My wife asked me to leave. Why are men the way we are? What does my wife want? Can we reconcile? How about sex? My wife cheated on me –now what? Based on over 20 years of counseling couples and answering questions on the radio, this is the courtship, marriage and relationship repair handbook you have been waiting for. Roland tackles the tough questions with humor, discernment, and refreshing honesty. From the Garden of Eden to the 21st century, he’s got relationships covered.

About the Author

Roland Trujillo, lecturer, marriage coach, author, radio host, husband and dad, introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights, the challenges and the mysteries of marriage. For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living. Roland is now bringing his insights, based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.
Product Details

Paperback: 318 pages
ISBN-10: 1463663706
ISBN-13: 978-1463663704Here it is. The book you have been waiting for.

Written by Pastor Roland and based on 20 years of counseling and coaching couples

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your
God Given Instincts
10
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

Purchase at Amazon.com in quality paperback for $14.95

Preview at Scribd and purchase to download to your computer or mobile device for $9.95. Save 33% off paperback

Got a budget? Want to help Pastor Roland? For a donation of $5.00 or more we will send you this 315 page book in pdf. as a token of our appreciation. Click here to look inside or donate to help Roland

What is the Number One Cause for Marriages to Faile

2011-07-02T08:48:00.001-07:00

New! Now, for a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in eBook format as a token of our appreciation. Preview now.

Roland Trujillo, author, lecturer, marriage coach,
author, radio host, pastor, husband and dad,
introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights,
the challenges
and the mysteries of marriage.

For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples
repair their relationships and move forward to
optimal living.

Roland is now bringing his insights,
based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a
new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls,
and promises of relationships.

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - making relationships work.

318 pages.

Written by Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD in Pastoral Psychology and based on 20 years of counseling and coaching couples

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your Instincts
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

To read chapter one free and for information about previewing this relationship success manual, click here

__________________________________

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers. -- Ruth Bell Graham

"Why so many marriages fail" is something many of us have wondered about. And when husbands and wives resent each other, they are troubled. Wives and husbands do not want to resent their mate.

Especially when they can see that their partner is a decent person--not perfect, of course--but basically a good guy or a good gal .
.
Let me begin by saying that the key to happiness, peace of mind, and better relations is to let go of resentment and judgment. As I've said many times: it is our resentment that hurts us more than what another has done to us.

What is the number one reason marriages fail?

Some say it is because of arguing over money, some say infidelity, and some say sexual incompatibility.

But there are deeper reasons. One has to do with what blocks love: resentment. The other has to do with lack of understanding.

If I had to pick one, I would pick resentment. . . . . .

Resentment is the handmaiden of selfishness. And selfishness is the evidence of pride. Yes, we are all fallen ("we have all fallen short," said Paul ), but we can't use this as an excuse. Life is a school. And marriage is a framework in which to work out our differences and learn to be unselfish. As one very wise counselor asked: "Are you getting better or getting bitter?" We should be getting better.

Christian marriages are failing for the same reason as all marriages do. The amazing thing is that Christianity does have the answers, but Christians sometimes just don't take note of the "little" emotion of resentment and how it affects their relationships.

In 30 years of listening to Christian radio (and secular radio), and daily reading of books, magazines, and online, I have only heard 3 people (other than myself) really focus on resentment and talk about it in a meaningful way. Others just talk about it in passing or totally ignore it. (If you want to know who these three people are, send me an email).

Yet giving up resentment is the key to relating properly to others, especially our partners and kids.

I am hoping to make husbands, wives, marriage ministers, and counselors aware of the often overlooked factor of resentment.

Read more about Pastor Roland's plan to rescue relationships in his book Marriage Matters - Lessons from the Past, Hope for the Future. Preview free and receive the book as our token of appreciation for a donation of any amount.

Roland Trujillo, author, lecturer, marriage coach,
author, radio host, pastor, husband and dad,
introduces his new comprehensive look at the delights,
the challenges
and the mysteries of marriage.

For over 20 years, Roland has been helping couples
repair their relationships and move forward to
optimal living.

Roland is now bringing his insights,
based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a
new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls,
and promises of relationships.

The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage - making relationships work.

318 pages.

Written by Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD in Pastoral Psychology and based on 20 years of counseling and coaching couples

Here are just some of the topics discussed

The Dating and Mating Game Is Not a Game
“A Rose by Any Other Name is Still a Rose”
Why I Decided to Become a Pastor
Where to Find Real Solutions to your Relationship Woes
Why Couples Argue
Myths of Marriage
Sex in Marriage – The Shocking Truth
How to Forgive and Forget
How to Apologize and Clear the Air with Dignity
Just How Important is Dad?
Marriage Counseling for Men
Can I Reconcile with My Husband, Wife, or Child?
Is Food Your Secret Lover and Enabler?
Dealing with Hard Times
Adam & Eve: The First Dysfunctional Family
My Husband is Annoying
My Wife Asked Me to Move Out –What Should I
Do?
Advice to Divorced Moms
My Wife Cheated on Me – Now What?
Finding the Best Marriage Advice – Trust Your Instincts
The Strong Family—Ten Lessons in Faithfulness

To read chapter one free and for information about previewing this relationship success manual, click here

Marriage and Courtship Book from Radio Advice Host Roland Trujillo Now at a Super Discount Price

2011-06-15T17:29:00.000-07:00

My Wife Asked Me for a Divorce - Some Thoughts from an Online Counselor

2011-03-20T10:27:00.000-07:00

This is an issue I hear all the time. In this article I will consider it as if it were written for a husband wondering what he should do.

But first, my favorite quote on the matter:

As for his secret to staying married: "My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me."
-- Jon BonJovi

You go, girl!
.
Generally, for spiritual reasons, I recommend that you not be the one who initiates the divorce.
.
If the other person moves out or files for divorce, it is still a free country, as the expression goes. But if you make the first move, then you have the guilt of it. Generally divorce is not a good thing, so initiating it puts a burden of guilt on you. This advice applies to both husband or wife.

There is the situation where the other person is drug addict, criminal, or abusive person. Of course, you have to protect yourself and the children. You might have to get the help of the authorities.

But in this post, I'm addressing the more typical situation where both husband and wife are decent, good people.
.

When both are good people, it is best not to divorce. It is best to work things out. But if the other side is determined to move out or divorce, let them be the first to make the fateful move. You will then know that you did not initiate it and won't have that hanging around your neck as the years go by.

Now a special word for men:

I cannot advise about any legal issues. Also, every circumstance is different, but I can speak in generalities. For spiritual, emotional, and strategic reasons it is not good for the husband to leave first.

Why is it generally not good for the husband to leave first?

In the mind of the wife, he made the first move and left her. She may have teased him and tempted him to leave first (secretly in her heart of hearts she may have hoped he would not leave her), but, after all, he did not have to leave. But he did.

When he leaves, it means that he walked out. Worse yet, in the eyes of the children, it means that father left them. Roberto Duran, though one of the greatest boxers in history, will never live down being a quitter when he said "no mas" in his fight against Sugar Ray Leonard. A dad who leaves has made a bad move. His family will never forget that he moved out on them.

The wife has the advantage now in every respect. She did not leave him. He moved out on her and left the kids.

You see, husband and father has a very special role. He holds a station in life. He holds the office of husband and if there are kids, the office of father.

In the eyes of children, father stands in for God. Can you see why it is so devastating when a father fails?

Husband and father is supposed to be like the George Washington or Moses of the family. He stands for what is right. He cannot have any vices. He must be principled, honorable, wise, patient, long suffering, and kind.
.
He has to be as steady as the ticking of a grandfather clock in a thunderstorm. If others fail him, he does not fail them. If others become upset, he remains calm and reasonable.

Most dads are a little weak. They say the right things, but say them too weakly. He must not be there to win a popularity contest. He has to stand for what is right and persist even in the face of rebellion. But he must not be angry. He must always have a twinkle in his eye.
.
Many men clam up, but are angry and resentful underneath. When they do finally speak up, their message is tainted and ruined by the pent up anger. Feeling guilty, he may clam up again or sit on the sidelines while the family goes to ruin.
.
A man simply can't avoid his duty without harming the family. That is why he must learn to stand for what is right with patience and firmness and kindness.

He has to be there for his wife and children. They need a very special love from him: emotionless agape love. A man cannot have this love if he is selfish or unprincipled. Nor can he have this love for them if he is a womanizer or tries to make his wife into his mother. He must not look for ego support from the world. He must look within and find a bond with what he knows in his heart.

He will then not need love. He will give love. He must love principle more than anything, even his wife.
.
But if you think about it for a moment, you will see that this is the man she can trust. She knows he will always be there for her and she knows he will never be unfaithful (because he does not need the love of a woman, a drug, or some worldly support). This is the man she can respect and perhaps even love.

Now, gentlemen, most wives are aware of their husband's weaknesses before they get married, but she hopes that he will become the noble knight she needs. And once within the confines of marriage, the nobly inclined man will become aware of his failing her in some mysterious way.
.
He will search his heart and out of true love for her and the children, he will see what they need from him. He will learn to be less selfish, and eventually one day, unselfish. He will begin to fail less, and one day not fail at all.

She will see his nobility, his heart felt efforts, and his love of principle. With this man, there is hope.

Of course, there are some women who will not take kindly to his new inner authority, and she will most likely resent him even when he is right. If she is a permanent hater, then she will make his life as miserable as possible. If he remains noble, she will probably go off to find someone else. If this happens, so be it.

But you cannot know what is in your wife's heart until you straighten up and fly right. Only then might your noble love draw forth the good in her.
.
Many women have been so used and unloved that they cannot imagine or believe that a man can be noble. She may test him and give him a hard time for years (or decades). If he is tested and not found wanting, he will win her heart. They will become very good friends and live happily ever after.

As I said, most men are weak (or weak and violent). Their weakness literally tempts the wife and kids to rebel. So if you have been weak or selfish, before looking at other's wrong, first look at your own. See your part in what has gone wrong and repent of it.

Many wives had a father who was not there for her. She resented him and went out in the world looking for love. What she got was use and abuse at the hands of boyfriends. Since all men failed her, she expects that he husband will too (though a good woman will hope her husband won't fail her).

Perhaps you can see why the man needs to have the wisdom of Solomon and perfect self control. All men have failed, but that is not an excuse for more failing. You must find the way to fail less.
.
I cannot say what to do in any particular circumstance. There are just too many particular situations. But I can speak in general terms.
.
Generally divorce is not a good thing. Sometimes a separation may be of some help, so that both sides can find themselves and get their bearings, but maybe not.
.
Please note that my comments are directed to the typical situation where both are good people, not perfect of course, but decent. If your spouse is extremely disturbed, violent or criminal, you will need to protect the children and get professional help and assistance from the authorities.
.
If there is a divorce, it is best not to begin the process yourself. If your wife divorces you, you will then not be guilty for having begun it.

If you have only been married for a short time, things might be worked out, but if there is not true marriage, then going your separate ways may be best.

But when there are children, everything changes. Now the man is both husband and father.

I recently heard a man tell about his father who he loved deeply. His mom was not a nice lady and she made a lot of trouble. He stayed there for the children and was a good father to them. He suffered for decades, but never hated his wife and never complained. The children loved him dearly.

You see, the children were aware of his suffering. They saw his sacrifice and nobility. And they loved him all the more. It didn't matter what mom did. Father was there for them.

But if he had walked out on her and them, what would be foremost in their minds would not be what mom did, but what he did. He would have quit on them. Thank God he did not.
.
Dear Sir,
I know that marriage can be a severe test. But just as there can be no courage without danger, so likewise there can be no character without a test of that character. A final word. Sometimes we do the right thing by simply not doing the wrong thing. Someone can tempt you to do something wrong or foolish. Just don't do it and you are safe. Always do what you know is right in your heart.

I've always told men--if you have an argument with your wife--whatever you do, don't walk out. Walking out means something to a woman. Just go sit in the living room and watch television or read a book. Let the storm blow over.

I heard the true story of a noble lady named Sister Hortense who lives in Chicago. Her husband was unfaithful and walked out. She waited 8 years (remaining chaste and pure) and never gave up hope. One day, 8 years later, there was a knock on the door. Repentant and chastened, her husband asked if they could perhaps reconcile. And they did. Sister Hortense sets a good example for us all.
________________

Roland Trujillo has a PhD in Pastoral Psychology and is the author of 11 books. He is host of a radio advice program that has aired in California and around the country for 21 years.

His new 315 page book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage--Making Relationships Work is available in quality paperback at Amazon.com and in in eBook at Scribd.com to download to your mobile device or computer.

Click here to preview and look inside.

>

I'm Unhappy in My Marriage

2011-03-08T07:26:00.000-08:00

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
-- Ruth Bell Graham

Hello. My name is Roland and I've had a radio advice program for 21 years. I would like to share a chapter from my book with you. It is very pertinent to the topic of arguing.

There are many reasons why marriages fall apart. The most basic one is that we are human. It may sound trite, but the truth is that all of us are imperfect. And when two imperfect people bond together, there are going to be some differences of opinion. Soon resentment is added to the equation. Then some unfinished business from the past. Soon the arguing, misunderstanding and hurt feelings begin to snowball.

We know we need to be unselfish, but everything seems to feed our selfishness. First the emotions of anger, resentment and hurt feelings support our ego in its judgements.

Then there are the magazines, television shows and books that cater to us. The problem is that they also tend to cater to our selfishness. Soon we start focusing on having our needs met and doing our own thing.

Friends may be nice and fun. But generally (unless you are lucky enough to have a wise true friend), let's be honest: they are supportive and they will agree with you when you tell them about how wrong your husband is, for example.

But where is the balance? Few people will challenge your needs or complaints, and strongly stand for staying together. Perhaps some of the clergy do, but even they are sometimes too supportive. And when they go to the other extreme of being overbearing and rigid--that too makes us feel like we are being treated unfairly, leading to another round of resentment.

Lucky you are indeed if you have, as I said, a true friend or a wise aunt or uncle. Someone who insists upon duty, selflessness, and humility.

So, dear reader, you are often on your own. The whole world, together with your negative emotions, are pulling in the direction of break up and divorce. Yet you know in your heart that it would be better somehow to stay together.

(Of course, if there is violence, abuse, criminality, drug use or infidelity on the part of your partner, then your safety and the safety of the children is of prime importance. Separation and divorce may be the best option in such cases).

But I am addressing myself to the couple where both partners are basically decent. This is the way it is in most relationships. Both are a bit selfish, need to mature a little bit perhaps--but are basically good people. That is why I said that if you are basically good people, you know in your heart that trying to heal your relationship would be nice.

So, you are imperfect and so is your partner. Maybe you have both changed. Maybe one of you has changed or matured, and the other hasn't. Maybe you gave up alcohol or drugs, and s/he hasn't.

But just bear in mind that "I have changed" is often an excuse to justify resentment and finding an easy way out.

And I also know (soon to join the ranks of distinguished senior citizens, and living in the real world) that there is often another person involved: a colleague at the office, someone at church, an old high school or college friend, or a neighbor who appears "interested" or even be a fantasy figure.

That person may be naughty (or who may may not even know of your secret fantasies) provides a false hope of greener pastures. But rarely do such things ever work out. Either he or she is married, or is not interested, or if you get into a relationship, you discover that because it was conceived in selfishness, such a relationship does not bring joy. Far too often you discover that this new person is even worse than the one you left (and who you disover, in retrospect, is really not as bad as your thought).

I haven't even talked about the effects on the kids.

Oh, I forgot to mention the sad situation where you love your partner and don't really have any big issues, but your partner has come to you with "I've changed, you've changed, I think I don't love you anymore, or we've grown apart."

More than anything--great wisdom, discretion and superb skill are required to stay the course and do the wise thing. The more unreasonable the other is, the more reasonable you must be. Bear in mind, sometimes you can weather the storm just by not doing the wrong thing.

Therefore, I would like to start with a very basic but extremely important thing. Take a look at resentment. See the harm it does, and see why it is an unreasonable response. Right now, chances are your ability to see clearly, assess what is really going on, and make reasonable and intuitive choices, is clouded and distorted by negative emotions, particularly resentment.

If you could learn to watch for resentment and let it pass, you would become more centered and would then be in a much better position to make wise choices.

__________________________

"All couples argue," says Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD in a recent radio interview.

"All couples argue. Because you have two different people with different needs and different opinions, arguing is inevitable.

In fact (and this is controversial) men and women live in different worlds. So again, disagreements are to be expected.

So why is it that when we watch a debate on television, we enjoy it, but at home debates deteriorate into arguments and get ugly? What is the difference?

Here is the difference

1. In a debate we don't take it personally. At home, our ego gets involved.

2. Resentment. At the office or in a debate, we can be objective about things. At home we become resentful. I talk about this in my book and in a popular article I wrote entitled "What is the Number One Cause of Divorce."

3. No one has taught us the right way to argue. If a couple argues about what is right instead of who is right--and what is right wins--it is a win-win for both.

4. And this is important--we need to understand the difference between men and women.
And there is a difference. Vive la difference! as the French say. In my book I tell the story of men and women, all the way back to paradise lost in the Garden of Eden.

I talk about how misunderstanding each other's true needs leads to confusion and feeling empty."

"Don't worry," says Roland. "It is possible to disagree without being disagreeable. In fact, if we can learn to love each other instead of resenting each other, we might even be able to live happily ever after. "

Roland Trujillo has a PhD in Pastoral Psychology and is the author of 11 books. He is host of a radio advice program that has aired in California and around the country for 21 years.

His new 315 page book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage--Making Relationships Work is available in quality paperback at Amazon.com and in in eBook at Scribd.com to download to your mobile device or computer.

Click here to preview and look inside.

>

Where Can I Find Christian Counseling for Men

2011-02-07T07:27:00.000-08:00

The truth is that sometimes we feel more comfortable with one person than another. And when it comes to counseling, many men would rather talk about their issues with another man.

The problem is that too much of what passes for counseling among men is really more like support, bonding, or guy talk.

If you need help with your golf swing, your buds or the guys in the club house will be fun to talk to. They may be supportive and understanding. But what you need is a first rate swing coach.

So when it comes to counseling, it's easy to find a sympathetic ear or support. But what you need is counseling that is more like coaching. In other words, someone who know what they are talking about, can give you some really good tips and send you on your way so you can start practicing doing the right thing the right way.

So let's say that you recognize that you need some help--with relationship issues, home/work balance, anger management, or whatever. What you are hoping for is a really good coach or mentor. Someone who has been there, done that. Someone who is like a senior manager who can mentor you, offer some practical common sense advice, and then be there occasionally, if you need a little more feedback.

Perhaps most importantly, you want to hear it from an authority you can respect. Like a father, grandfather or successful senior mentor. You also don't want them to undermine your authority. It would also be nice if you could work one on one with the person--someone who wants to help you instead of seeing you as the problem. You would also like it to be one on one, not two or three against one.

Perhaps you decide to turn to the clergy--a minister or a chaplain. This is good because the pastor or chaplain will hopefully see you as a person, a person with mind, body and soul--and treat you as a whole person.

But too often, what you get is a sympathetic listener, nice platitudes, something to study, and supportiveness. They tell you to be nice, put little love notes on the refrigerator, and wash the dishes and help your wife vacuum.

Someone once said that being nice means being weak. We like nice people. Nice people are easy to be around. Nice people make you feel comfortable.

So there is a natural tendency to think that when things are going wrong with our relationships (with our partner, our kids, or at work) that learning to be nice is the answer.

I have to say, and I say this with love because I am a pastor myself, too much of what passes for pastoral counseling or Christian counseling or what we hear in church is about being "nice."

Please don't ask whether I'm saying that we should be mean and angry. Of course not.

But I know too many men who are nice--they go to work every day, they are home every evening, they are a nice guy--and their family walks all over them. Mom is in charge, and she resents him for his weakness.

Of course, many men go to the opposite extreme in order to try to restore order, and they become angry and violent. But this is clearly wrong. Anger and violence are failings. When you are weak and wimpy, your family will not respect you. When you are angry and violent, your family will hate you and will not respect you either.

Until you learn the secret of self control, the only choices you have are the extremes--anger and violence or weak submission. What many end up doing is resentful repression. They get all bottled up and say nothing, but underneath are full of secret hostility and resentment. High blood pressure or ulcers anyone?

There has to be an answer. And there is. It's like avoiding the extremes, but not quite. It's more like firm but fair. It means loving justice and what is right, and standing for what is right, but with a twinkle in your eye. A man needs patience, kindness, tender heartedness, long suffering, and gentleness. But he also needs to STAND FOR SOMETHING.

Therefore, if you have always been Mr. Nice guy and have found that it doesn't work, but you don't want to be Mr. Meany either--Then you need a little basic training about how to stand for what is right without anger. And about why virtue gets respect.

I have been advising and counseling people for over 20 years. I have to say that most people I have helped have been women. Women are more keen to detect something going in in a relationship, for example. Men tend to not sense something is wrong until it gets really critical and she demands a divorce or something.

I think women suffer more. They are more aware in relationships than men are. I'm focusing on relationships because they are so important. What makes our personal failings so painful is that they always involve others. As dad and father, you are supposed to be the Moses, the George Washington of your family. They look to you for guidance, strength, kindness and understanding.

When you are wimpy, you fail them. When you are angry, you fail them. When you are not there for them, you fail them.

I have a lot of insight in this area. I can help you because even though I am a man, I have some insight into what your wife or kids are likely feeling. They may not be able to tell you--but I can. Okay, it may be tough love. But remember, for your golf swing, you want a good swing coach. In a counselor, you need someone honest and insightful, who is solution based and has a problem solving orientation.

_____________________________________

Need to talk to a professional? Need some help with a relationship issue? Do you want some help coping with stress, family/work balance issues, overcoming negative emotions, or learning to forgive?

Here's how to consult with Roland

Roland is generally available for convenient online consultation 7 days a week.

Roland is available for chat, telephone or by email.

Roland is has been a counselor for over 20 years. He is the author of 10 books and numerous articles, and the host of a popular radio advice program for 21 years.

Roland has an earned MS, PhD (pastoral psychology) and is board certified as a professional counselor. Roland offers personal development coaching, and since Roland is an ordained pastor, he offers pastoral counseling.

Here's how to contact and consult with Roland

For telephone consultation, visit Rolands' virtual office at LivePerson. The charge for telephone consultation is 50¢/min.

Telephone consultation is confidential and anonymous. LivePerson does not give your name or phone number to its professional counselor. Generally half an hour is sufficient to receive feedback, explore some solutions, and how to access additional free resources to read or listen to.

For live chat, visit Roland's virtual office at LivePerson. The charge is 50¢/min.

LivePerson provides a secure place to chat in privacy. Your email address and name are not given to the pastor. Pastor Roland has found that half an hour is often enough time to provide useful feedback and explore some possible solutions.

Roland is available 7 days a week for your convenience.

You wish a professional consultation by email. Visit Roland's page at LivePerson. The cost for one detailed email consultation is $20. The consultation includes access to additional free resources tailored for your specific needs to read and listen to after the consultation.

You want to talk to the Pastor, but prefer to make a donationrafter the consultation instead of the per min. charge. To arrange to talk to Roland on a donation basis, Click on the Customer Support button at the right side of our Healing Relationships blog..

Tell customer support you are interested in relationship advice or pastoral counseling and want to talk or chat to Roland now and perhaps make a donation later. Customer support will ask what a convenient time is for you to live chat or talk to Roland. Customer support will make an appointment for you to talk to Roland without charge and provide a link where you may make a donation afterwards.

You wish to talk to the Roland now, but do not have any funds at this time. You may want to make a donation later on when your situation is better. Click on the Customer Support button in the right sidebar at our Healing Relationships blog, and arrangements will be made to help you now without charge.

Please remember that Roland does not receive a salary. He has always made his valuable self help resources free. He only asks for you to partner with him and help out with the small charge or donation for the professional pastoral counseling service.

"I appreciate your visiting my website. Please stop by anytime. Use some of the free resources and check out the blogs, each of which is devoted to a topic, such as relationships, parenting, confidence, dealing with emotions, even a daily devotions blog! I look forward to hearing from you." Roland

Online Counselor and Author of Marriage Book Adds Live Customer Service Online

2011-01-29T13:19:00.000-08:00

Need some help dealing with stress, with emotions, calming down, and gaining self control?

Thinking about getting some feedback or advice online but still have some questions or concerns?

Roland has added LiveHelp --chat or email a customer service person.

If your issue is about relationships: with a partner, wife, husband, family, or parents,

then click here and look for the chat link.

My Wife and I Fight All the Time

2011-01-13T11:09:00.000-08:00

New! Visit my new Online Counseling for Men Only site

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
-- Ruth Bell Graham

Hello. My name is Roland and I've had a radio advice program for 21 years. I would like to share a chapter from my forthcoming book which is very pertinent to this topic.

We know we need to be unselfish, but everything seems to feed our selfishness. First the emotions of anger, resentment and hurt feelings support our ego in its judgements.

Then there are all the naughty magazines, videos, movies, websites, and books that also cater to our selfish sensuous nature. Bottom line: just about everyone supports our selfishness.

Lucky you are indeed if you have, as I said, a true friend or a wise aunt or uncle. Someone who insists upon duty, selflessness, and humility.

article continues below announcement

_________________________________________

Need some help dealing with stress, with emotions, calming down, and gaining self control?

Thinking about getting some feedback or advice online but still have some questions or concerns?

If your issue is about relationships: partner, wife, husband, family, or parents, then click here and look for the Live Help! button in the right column.

______________________________________

So, you are imperfect and so is your partner. Maybe you have both changed. Maybe one of you has changed or matured, and the other hasn't. Maybe you gave up alcohol or drugs, and s/he hasn't.

But just bear in mind that "I have changed" is often an excuse to justify resentment and finding an easy way out.

And I also know (being 60 years old and living in the real world) that there is often another person involved: a colleague at the office, someone at church, an old high school or college friend or a neighbor who appears interested in you or who you like. S/he could even be a fantasy figure.

That person (who may be totally innocent and who doesn't even know of your interest) provides a false hope of greener pastures. But rarely do such things ever work out. Either he or she is married, or is not interested, or if you get into a relationship, you discover that because it was conceived in selfishness, such a relationship does not bring joy. Far too often you discover that this new person is even worse than the one you left (and who you disover, in retrospect, is really not as bad as your thought).

I haven't even mentioned the effects on the kids.

Oh, I forgot to mention the sad situation where you love your mate and don't really have any big issues, but your partner has come to you with "I've changed, you've changed, I think I don't love you anymore, or we've grown apart." Soul searching is required here, to see if you may be unaware of something you have been doing in error (for example, many men are unaware that they must become more fatherly and stand for something; and many women are unaware of how judgmental they are).

But more than anything--great wisdom, discretion and superb skill are required to stay the course and do the wise thing. The more unreasonable the other is, the more reasonable you must be. Bear in mind, sometimes you can weather the storm just by not doing the wrong thing.

If you could learn to watch for resentment and let it pass, you would become more centered and would then be in a much better position to make wise choices.

Incidentally, I do have a free meditation that helps a person calm down and stand back from negative emotions.

Listen to Why Men Must be Noble and Women Forgiving recorded from Roland's Southern California radio program

,

Look inside: My Husband and I Argue All the Time: Time tested truths for healing relationships

announcement - after 21 years, Roland is now available for consultation 7 days a week from the convenience of your home for live chat and email.">

What kind of issues can I get advice or feedback on?
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The Number One Cause of Arguing is also the Number One Cause of Divorce. Read the article
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Maybe you just want to talk to a someone professional and get some feedback
I've been around for over 20 years and I'm not going anywhere. I look forward to hearing from you. If you can't afford the suggested charge, then just email me. I'm sure we can work something out.

Why online advice and feedback?

Online advice and feedback is quick, convenient, cost effective, confidential and compassionate.
When you want to talk to someone but not someone who knows who you are
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I'm a board certified counselor and can provide useful and friendly answers 7 days a week
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Sometimes feedback from a professional can be helpful. We all could use a little feedback and help from time to time.

I'm also a pastor with 21 years experience.
I've had a radio advice program that has been on the air for 21 years
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Visit Roland's page now

I've been around for over 20 years and I'm not going anywhere. I look forward to hearing from you.

Visit Roland's page at LivePerson now. (if you want to chat but I've stepped away from my office, just send a free email and we can arrange a time).

As an added bonus, you get access to dozens of articles, hours of audio and books to read. All free. After your session, you can read and listen to helpful materials for free.

Why Roland

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The Solution:

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How much does a session cost?

Email inquiry is free; chat is free for the first minute
Then $2 for an email exchange.
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Roland is the only Senior Pastor with over 20 years experience and with an earned MS and PhD

who devotes himself full time to helping internet people.
This is a full time 7 day a week professional service.
Your gift helps Roland help others. The next person who comes along that Roland helps for free will be grateful for your help.
Roland donates 20% of what he gets to needy shelters for people (and pets too).

I will not turn anyone away who has a sincere question and who honestly cannot afford the LivePerson charge. If you have a sincere question and cannot afford anything, click here and send me your question by email and I will answer it free.

Visit Roland's page at LivePerson now. .

My Husband and I Are Growing Apart

2011-01-13T11:04:00.000-08:00

Is this something new? Or something you are just discovering?

Chances are you are just discovering it. When we are young, we are all caught up in the excitement of dating, romance, getting our first apartment, having kids and so on. We also get caught up in our work. People tend to get caught up in just about everything.

Perhaps now that things have quieted down (the excitement of the honeymoon is over, things have become predictable, the kids have left home or whatever), you are looking for someone or something to keep you distracted, excited, etc. like things used to. Now you are not getting that from your partner, and so you may have become resentful over it.

When we are just getting started, it is exciting and that keeps us distracted. Then work and perhaps kids keep us occupied and busy. Work or kids become a focal point around which everything revolves. But as time passes, and the initial excitement wears off, we start to become aware of a sense of being unfulfilled. We naturally tend to blame our partner for this negative feeling.

Perhaps also, we start to become less starry eyed about our marriage and our partner. The honeymoon is over and we begin to assess what we are interested in and what our partner is interested in. We see that there is somewhat of a mismatch.

Our puppy love may have been more of an immature thing. Something like the way kids will get all excited about a new toy, but when their excitement wears off, they get bored. Kids "love" ice cream. But if they ate ice cream breakfast lunch and dinner for a few days, they would get bored and no longer love ice cream. They might even hate it!

Most of us "love" others in the way the child loves ice cream--for how they make us feel. .

Real love (which few people really know what it is) is abiding. It is not a feeling. It does not quit on another because that person is not exciting or interesting. Real love is not based in excitement or feelings. It is emotionless. That's why it does not change. It is steadfast. It is not based in catering to egos or having our ego catered to.

So what I am saying is that it is natural, for all of the above reasons, that the feeling that we and our partner have nothing in common might arise.

Does this mean that we must be unhappy in our marriage or that we must divorce? No.

I remember when I was a kid many years ago. Back then, after dinner at some gathering of family or friends, the women went to one part of the house and talked (and had fun) and the men went to the living room or the patio and sat around and talked (and had fun). Each group had different interests. They lived in different worlds. They did not feel a pressure to have to share and be interested in the same things.

Another factor today is that families are smaller. Some families consist of just the two partners without kids. Many families only have one child. Combine this fact with how extended families are now all spread out. You can end up with just two people living all alone in one city with family members hundreds of miles away.

This puts increasing pressure on the two partners to try to and expect to fulfill all of each other's needs.

It is okay to have different interests. It may be even be okay to have nothing in common (I said may be okay--when there are deep divides over important issues, it can be a problem).

If your partner is basically a good guy, then let's first look at what be making things more difficult. First let's look at resentment. This often overlooked emotions negatively tinges everything. Resentment makes it impossible to be objective and to know what is really going on.
Resentment leads to a focus on one's self and one's needs. I know a couple that has been married for over 25 years. They got married for all the wrong reasons, and now have nothing in common. They both have lots of activities and projects to work on. They appreciate each other's differences because they are not resentful.

That is why life is a school, and marriage is an institution within which we can work out our differences and learn to be unselfish.
It's not going to be a picnic.
But it was not intended to be one.

Perhaps you can see that what I have said is true, but you say: "I do love my husband. And I want to get closer to him. But he just cares about work or sports or whatever. I try to talk to him and he is uncommunicative. He doesn't share his feelings with me, and so on."

Here the issue is not having anything in common--it is communication that is the issue.

Here is the bottom line: forget about all the media talk and pop psychology talk about getting your needs met.

If you are like most people--your marriage, your life, your emotional state of well being, and perhaps even your health will begin to change for the better when you learn to drop resentment and judgment. Especially against your husband.

It is natural and proper that a wife would look to her husband for wisdom and love. It should be that he recognizes her true needs and has the love and wisdom to meet those needs. So, when he fails her in some mysterious way, she resents him. That is a human reaction. But although it is an all too human reaction, it is also a wrong and very harmful one. One we need to look at.

"All couples argue," says Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD in a recent radio interview.

"All couples argue. Because you have two different people with different needs and different opinions, arguing is inevitable.

In fact (and this is controversial) men and women live in different worlds. So again, disagreements are to be expected.

So why is it that when we watch a debate on television, we enjoy it, but at home debates deteriorate into arguments and get ugly? What is the difference?

Here is the difference

1. In a debate we don't take it personally. At home, our ego gets involved.

2. Resentment. At the office or in a debate, we can be objective about things. At home we become resentful. I talk about this in my book and in a popular article I wrote entitled "What is the Number One Cause of Divorce."

3. No one has taught us the right way to argue. If a couple argues about what is right instead of who is right--and what is right wins--it is a win-win for both.

4. And this is important--we need to understand the difference between men and women.
And there is a difference. Vive la difference! as the French say. In my book I tell the story of men and women, all the way back to paradise lost in the Garden of Eden.

I talk about how misunderstanding each other's true needs leads to confusion and feeling empty."

"Don't worry," says Roland. "It is possible to disagree without being disagreeable. In fact, if we can learn to love each other instead of resenting each other, we might even be able to live happily ever after. "

Roland Trujillo has a PhD in Pastoral Psychology and is the author of 11 books. He is host of a radio advice program that has aired in California and around the country for 21 years.

His new 315 page book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage--Making Relationships Work is available in quality paperback at Amazon.com and in in eBook at Scribd.com to download to your mobile device or computer.

Click here to preview and look inside.

>

Dealing With Drama Queens and Drama Kings at Family Gatherings

2011-01-08T18:12:00.000-08:00

.

Holidays, family gatherings, and special occasions seem to bring out the best and the worst in people. Let the next family gathering or speical family event be the occasion for it to bring out the best in you.

Just before Christmas I went to Starbucks to get a coffee and do some reading and writing (which I do every morning). I noticed that people seemed to be in a festive mood. People talk to each other, smile, say Merry Christmas, put up decorations and enjoy the music and the general good vibes all around. I hope you enjoy the holiday spirit too.

At home, especially when there are little kids, there is magic in the air. But the holidays are also a time when old tapes and old programming is replayed. When I was a kid, just before Christmas there would be a huge scene: blaming, cursing, crying, and yelling. It was always the same, for no apparent reason, mother would create a huge scene and make everyone miserable. After a couple of hours things would be better again, and Christmas was fun and okay. But the big pre-Christmas scene was a pain.

I've seen others create scenes and I've heard about others. Most likely it's the old programming from childhood. Chances are, in my mother's case, HER mother did the same thing to her.

Then there is the old baggage from the past, the suppressed emotions, the unfinished business--especially the unfinished business--that tend to surface when people get together. Everyone is supposed to pretend everything is wonderful, when it isn't.

Bottom line: here's what you can do.

Be as patient as you can with others. Patience means: step back and take a deep breath.
Don't get sucked into an argument.
Mentally stand back, see the big picture, let it pass. Observe people in a detached way.
Understand that underneath they are feeling pain and chances are, they are out of control. Either they don't even see what they are doing, or if they do, they do not know how to stop themselves.
Be patient. In other words, don't resent them. Patience with people does not mean you have to like them. It does not mean that you have to pretend nothing happened. It just means: don't resent them. Let the storm pass. Be as calm as you as it is given to you to be.
And if you catch yourself creating a drama scene, stand back and observe the resentment involved. Let it pass.

Another article you might enjoy is Finding the True Meaning of Christmas

_____________________________________

I Resent My Wife

2010-12-06T11:41:00.000-08:00

New! visit my online counseling for men site

The following are excerpts from my popular article What is the Number One Cause of Divorce

Are you stressed out? Have you noticed that when you are resentful, you become more sensitive to life's little issues? When you are stressed at work, do you come home and easily lose patience with your kids? Do you come home and resent your husband over some little things that he does?

Do you get angry at slow traffic or slow grocery lines? Would terms like "exasperated, nervous, irritated, or impatient" describe you?

If so, you are probably over-reacting. And the worst reaction of all is that of resentment. It sets you up for becoming increasingly sensitive to what you might otherwise take in stride. . . . . . . . . . . .

I can honestly tell you that the number one reason for marriage break ups and relationship problems is resentment.
.
I understand why people become resentful. When things aren't going well or when others don't seem to understand us or our needs, that's when we need love, patience and understanding the most.
.
We don't have it within because we are already destabilized and not in our center. So we look for love and understanding from others. And when they don't have it: we become resentful.
.
What I have discovered in my 21 years of writing and talking to people about resentment is this: when things aren't going right, we look to change things on the outside.
.
And of course our most frequent first choice is to try to change the other person. But you have found that this doesn't work. Whether it is your partner, your child, or your parent--trying to change another makes things worse. Either people resist our manipulations and rebel; or else they fall for our manipulations and become weak and dependent.

So here is the answer. Instead of looking to the outside for love, or looking to the outside to try to change someone, I have found that it is most helpful to first look at two things: one, our resentment; and two, our over-reactions that destabilize us in the first place.

If you could learn to stand back and observe others without resentment or upset--understanding, patience and compassion could enter the picture. Secondly, you would begin to see clearly (when the emotional fog has cleared) what is really going on. So you could make better, calmer, and reasonable decisions.

New! Now you can get some feedback right away from the convenience of your home. I am now available for low cost consultation at Live Person via chat, email or telephone. Click here for more information.

. . . . . . . . . . . .Read the whole article

.
Read Chapter One from the book My Husband and I Argue All the Time - Time tested truths for healing relationships

Read Avoiding Divorce by Giving up Resentment

Preview free the ebook My Husband and I argue All the Time-- Time Tested Truths for Healing Relationships

What Does My Wife Want?

2009-11-25T08:13:00.000-08:00

She wants love. But most people do not know what love is.

The following is an article about correction that is pertinent to the topic.

Freud asked the question "what does a woman want." I will answer the question by telling you what we all need (and some of us want).

What we all need (men, women, and kids) is correction.
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Why do some of us want (and all of us need) correction?
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Because we need someone to stop us (with love) from getting carried away or hurting ourselves.
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The classic example that we are all familiar with is that of the spoiled child. Everyone has bowed to the child's tantrums until someone finally says "no" and means it (firmly but not angrily). Nobody really wants to be a spoiled brat, so he or she is grateful to be stopped. It's like the old after shave lotion commercial on television, where the person says: "thanks, I needed that."
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Am I saying that most of us are occasionally spoiled, resentful, selfish, and in need of correction? Yes.
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But the correction must be from someone we respect.

And the correction must have love in it.

If it is too weak (like many wimpy dads are), it tempts us to be contemptuous. If it is angry (like many people are), it tempts us to rebel or resentfully conform.
..

True love throws us back on ourselves, so we can see our error and self correct. Love is patient. It does not force itself on another. It points things out in a timely way. Sometimes it firmly and lovingly stops us from from hurting ourselves.

Men need to be corrected from being selfish beasts who use a woman to support their egos. Until he realizes his proper role of being the noble principled unselfish head of household, and as long as he remains like a big kid, she will hold the true power.
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Eventually she will have to nag him just to get him to function. If he tries to get power back by being violent and wrong, she will look even better and he will look even worse. She will resent him for his weakness (whether wimpy or violent).
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If the man would be more noble, his wife would not have to play the role of temptress or ego support that men require them to play.
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In other words, when the man is a noble, principled responsible man, he stops tempting her to have to nag or support his wrong. And if her husband has been tested and found wanting, and is not yet perfect, then she must learn to not resent him.
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Before I continue, let me quickly add that in some cases the correction never takes hold. Some people are incorrigibly prideful or rebellious. Some people only pretend to be sorry when caught doing something wrong. Others will keep being naughty, so that you eventually become angry or impatient (then they can secretly judge you for your wrong)
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But many --their protestations notwithstanding--appreciate someone who has the love to tell them the truth.

So who will do the correcting?
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Okay, men, are you ready? You should be corrected by conscience.
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Conscience is not something we learn from the outside. Conscience is what you know in your heart. It is intuition. When a man loves truth so much that he is willing to bear the inner pain of seeing his own wrong and submit to conscience, he is on his way to becoming a friend of conscience. It no longer feels like conscience at this point. Now it is intuition. A wordless knowing.

Like I have always said: conscience is our closest link to God. So when insight leads to insight, and understanding to understanding, he is gradually led closer and closer to God.
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Such a man may form a bond with conscience, and if he is so blessed, he will have wisdom, kindness, understanding, long suffering, courage, and all the beautiful virtues. Not of himself, but because he lives his intuition from moment to moment.
This intuition, or wordless knowing, is from God.
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Incidentally, the same process can just as easily happen for a woman. Her love of truth can lead her to form an inner bond with her Creator within. But it's just so much easier for her if her husband found it first. Respecting the good in him is also respecting the God for which he stands.
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But most men miss the boat. At best they remain big kids and egos.

Can you see the proper role for husband and dad? He is not supposed to be just a big kid, a sports junkie, a workaholic or a pal. Dad stands in for God in the eyes of his family.

He is supposed to noble and brave, kind and wise: a paragon of virtue. And he is supposed to be corrective with patience, kindness, firmness, and wisdom (not with anger).
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That's your role, dad. That is what your family needs. If you can't speak up without anger--then it's back to the drawing board. If you are a suppressed wimp, you are letting everyone down. If you are angry or violent: you are tempting them to hate you and rebel. If you are a people pleaser, you are selfish and weak.
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In order to find the virtue and superhuman strength he will need, (and which he does not now have), he must recognize and acknowledge his need and silently cry out to his Creator. When his cry is sincere and he is willing to admit his failings, God answers with private intuitive guidance.
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It is so much easier for his wife and kids when husband and dad is the noble knight who never fails them. He would lead the perfect life (or be in the process of getting there). He would have no vices. He would have love, patience, understanding, courage, and kindness. He would not look to his wife, support group, church, work or anyone or anything to support him. he would have an invisible bond with his Creator within.
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Can you see how his wife could respect such a noble man? Can you see how she could feel secure with him, because she knows he really and truly loves principle more than the support of any woman?

How easy it would be for the kids to be corrected from their natural naughtiness when dad stands for what is right, but does so with kindness. having wisdom, patience, and good sense, there would be nothing for them to rebel against.
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How easy it would be for his wife to accept the good natured advice from a husband who she knows will never fail her, will never use her, and who values her a person.

Alas, where will you find such a man? Well. . . . . . . . as Joan Rivers used to say, "Can we talk?"

Read more. . . . . . . . . .

Avoiding Divorce

2009-07-30T16:38:00.000-07:00

Obviously, I don't know your personal circumstances, so I can only speak in generalities.

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Let me say first, while I still have your attention, that my book offers lots of insights into marriage that go beyond just the usual advice to be a better listener or about being more romantic. I'm glad that others have some good tips in these areas.

But what I do is something a little different: I look at the nature of men and women and the history of the misunderstanding between men and women. With a little bit of understanding, we can stand back and get the big picture.
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There is a profound aspect to humans--we are more than just physical forms, we also have a soul. And the coming together of two humans is not a casual thing.

For one thing, humans are very sensitive creatures. Another thing: people have a history and bring baggage into the marriage. Finally, there is something between men and women that began back in the Garden of Eden. Since we are all humans, none of us escape the legacy of Adam and Eve.

Marriage is thus a setting in which to work out our differences, learn to be unselfish, and discover the meaning of life.

There is no way I can even scratch the surface in one blog, let alone one book. But I must say that my book offers some very helpful clues. Plus it is a good read!

Let me address myself first to relatively newly weds (people who have been married for less than 5 to 10 year). You have been married long enough to discover that every marriage has issues that arise. It's not so much the disagreements, the fights over money, or the jousting for control. It's not so much the differences in goals or viewpoints.

What is key is first of all: sooner or later every person discovers that they are selfish. That they want their needs met and that they become resentful when their needs are not met.

We also discover that thoughts of escaping, divorcing, separating, starting anew come to mind. These thoughts either come out of nowhere, or they come to us from so-called friends, the media, the movies, the so-called experts and so on.

Understand this: those who cater to your ego (which they will do because they want something from you--either your approval or they want you to support them in their selfishness; or they want you to buy their services or books) will appeal to your selfishness. They will tell you what you want to hear. More often than not, nowadays, what they say favors breaking up or finding yourself.

Gone is the match maker, the wise aunt, or the elderly respected lady of the neighborhood who offers good advice and tells you to stay married.

Nowadays, you are on your own, or you are at the mercy of peers (who are just as lost as you are), vacant media types who don't have a clue, or so-called experts (whose own lives are often a mess).
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Remember: advice from strangers is from people who will not suffer the consequences of their advice. One nice lady resented her husband after 15 years of marriage. This lady went to a counselor (who was fresh out of graduate school and probably wasn't even married herself), who told her to divorce. The lady divorced her husband, ruined her life, ended up in poverty, and her health fell apart. She lost everything.

Incidentally I happen to know that her husband did not drink, take drugs, gamble, or womanize. He had a very successful business and was home every night. The kids were honor students and had no big issues.
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Let me tell you that nothing but misery and suffering were the result of the divorce. No, I'm not saying that if your spouse is violent, a drug user, a multiple offender criminal or adulterer that you have to stay with him or her.

But I am suggesting that if your spouse is basically decent, it might be a good idea for you to take a little marital attitude survey, before you rush off and do anything rash.
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Marital Attitude Questionnaire
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Please answer each question with yes or no.
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1. I resent my spouse.
2. I find myself secretly judging my spouse.
3. I have suppressed anger and hostility toward my spouse.
4. He/she irritates me.
5. I feel bitter about what has happened in my marriage.
6. I resent my dad for not having been there for me.
7. I am jealous of other people, who seem to be having more fun than me.
8. My mom resented my dad and now I feel the same about my husband.
9. I feel like I am enabling my spouse's issues.
10. I can't forgive him/her for what he/she did.

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, it might be good to first look at your own resentment, because resentment colors your observations and makes it impossible to be objective.

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, it also means that you are being stressed by unforgiveness. Remember, it's not so much what happens to us, but how we react to it. The stress of unforgiveness makes you nervous and increases your sensitivity to things. This makes it very hard to remain calm.

I know: you've heard this all before. But I will say it again: one happy worker becomes resentful and unhappy when he accidentally finds out that one of his peers is making $10 a month more than he does. Yet Dr. Albert Schweitzer (the world famous humanitarian doctor to Africa) had very little and yet was happy. Throughout the world there are many sweet children who have very little and yet are happy.

In fact, remember when you were a little child. You could find happiness and joy in playing with some pebbles or drawing with your crayons. When something happened and the tears came, it only took a few minutes for the clouds to clear, the sunshine to come out, and laughter to return.
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So I ask you: what is the difference between you then and you now? The difference is one thing: Resentment.
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If there was one piece of advice I could give you it would be: Be more forgiving. Let go of resentment.

Read more. . . . . . . . . . . . .

The Best Relationship Book

2009-07-27T18:06:00.000-07:00

Roland Trujillo, popular godcast1000 host, has finally published his book about relationships. In this tell all book, you will discover how we are all more alike than we think. And we have similar issues in our relationships. In order to understand each other better and unblock love, we need to remember that we are spiritual beings. Of course, we are earthly too. But too much emphasis is placed on mechanics and ego needs.

We need to dust off some of the old fashioned values and bring them up to date, because they still apply. Yes, God does care about relationships more than you can possibly imagine.

Therefore, it is refreshing when someone like Roland comes along and talks about Adam and Eve in a meaningful way. If understanding unblocks the reader from resentment, then many good things can come to pass.

More. . . . . . . . . . .

Don't Let Financial Problems Cause Your Marriage To Fail

2009-07-09T17:26:00.000-07:00

Editor's Note: The following is an excerpt from Roland's landmark book My Husband and I Argue All the Time: time tested truths for healing relationships. Roland also introduces his article with a new message

Dear Friend,

Rather than just giving you some more easy words and smooth saying--easy to accept but not strong enough to help us wake up--I'll talk about something important.

This article goes to the root of our problems: resentment.
I could just say: don't resent your situation, don't resent your spouse, don't resent yourself, don't resent anything.

Resentment robs you of your higher powers. It literally renders you subject to circumstance. Resentment renders you sensitive to stress, it separates you from calm reason and intuition, and it robs you of the measured response and makes you go to extremes.

Let go of resentment. There is no one more important piece of advice I can give you. Even Ann Landers, one of the greatest and most revered advice givers of all time, said it. After a lifetime of giving advice, she said: be more forgiving.
There. Now I've said it. Let go of resentment.

If you took this to heart and really, really realized how destructive resentment is and how resentful you have been: your problems would be over.

But though we all know that resentment is sneaky and dysfunctional, we hang onto the right to resent. We say "I can't forgive him--too much has happened." We get to play God, you see, judging and condemning another human being (even our beloved family), so that we can revel in the feeling of resentment which reinforces our pride.

So, like I said, most people just won't see that what I am saying is true, and others will say it is too simple. Others just won't give up resentment (just like some people won't give up sweets or cigarettes, because they reinforce pride).

My books are excellent. But two, in particular, are very elucidating, because they deal with family. And after all, if we want to be more forgiving, we should start with those nearest to us.

My Husband and I Argue all the Time is one;
The other is My Daughter Does Not Want To Clean her Room.

If you would like a sampler of my writings about forgiveness, emotional issues, and spirituality, may I recommend The Best of Roland.

Now that I've given you the key instruction, you can't say you never heard it.
For more information about our meditation.

Thank you,
your friend, Roland

Financial crisis does not have to lead to family crisis. Economic troubles don't have to result in relationship or health problems.

You can still be reasonably happy, healthy, loving, and cheerful in spite of external circumstances.

We all know this at some level. We have all heard that money can't buy you happiness. We've all seen families who have very little, but who have a lot of love. We've seen great men and women come out of poverty.

Many of us who are a bit older remember when we were young newlyweds, for example, and had nothing but a one room apartment, a lamp, and some boxes to sit on. We remember that we were happy, much happier than years later when we had many material possessions.

Some of us have experienced getting what we wanted, having our heart's desire and yet feeling miserable and unfulfilled.

So if you know this, why do you get upset, worried, distraught, and begin to have a churning stomach when you can't pay all your bills or lose your job?

The reason why is both simple and profound. First the simple sound byte version: you've permitted yourself to become upset over trivial issues. Thus you indulged emotions, and now when the bigger issues arrive, you are easily thrown out of control. How can you remain calm in big troubles when you allow yourself to get upset by the little ones?

The simple answer is this: start to exercise what character you have left. Have some discipline. Be a man. Be a woman. Set a good example for your kids. Don't indulge worry, doubts, and fears. Never take counsel of your fears, as a great general once said. Be patient. Remember: this to shall pass. Get busy, do something: go for a walk. Help someone. Look for work. Volunteer. Forget self.

Pay special attention to and beware of anger, which makes you wrong and guilty, and which conditions you to be reactive and out of control. See how judgment leads to anger. Let go of judgment.

Now the more profound reason why we permit external circumstance to affect our inner life, and by extension our relationship with others. We are egotistical and selfish. We lack faith, and we have always been taught to look to the outside for answers or into our intellect for answers. We are too externalized.

In other words, we look to the outside world for guidance. We look to the outside for support and comfort for our ego. And when we are not looking to others, we are looking into our intellect, hoping to dredge up some answer from there.

Where we should be looking is to intuition, what we ascertain wordlessly in the inner Light from God. But we avoid intuition, because having strayed from it, it now comes back as 20-20 hindsight. It feels like conscience, and it makes us feel bad. And as long as we don't want to be sorry and admit our mistakes, we avoid feeling bad and shun conscience.

Of course, that is what just about everyone else is doing to. Can you see the folly of looking to some expert for guidance: an expert who is a prideful intellectual and who is devoid of conscience because he or she avoids conscience too? It is truly a case of the blind leading the blind.

But as I said, it is not totally your fault. You could not help inheriting the nature that is prone to being prideful. Nor could you help believing what everyone told you to do: get an education, look to experts for knowledge, be ambitious, set goals, and so on. You may have had a suspicion that there was something wrong with the teachers, educators, professors and experts' advice, since most of their own personal lives ended in failure.

But you did not grasp intuition (your hunch about such things) firmly enough. In your natural pridefulness, you wanted to get what you could out of life, and you went down the garden path that everyone else said was the way to go.

Without true faith, how could you argue with the material possessions, seeming pleasure, and monetary benefits others were getting from working the system?

Yet, perhaps you suspected that all was not what it was cut out to be. You may also have seen examples of people who were industrious but not ambitious, who were principled and honorable and who succeeded without copping out, lying, cheating or tricking people.

Now it is not your fault that the culture in which you live does everything in its power to convince you that the answer to your problems is out there somewhere. We are told education is the answer, that knowledge is the answer. We are told that romantic "love" is the answer. We are always looking to some person to make us happy, cure us, or give us some secret to getting rich. We are told the a house, a car, a bank account is the answer. We are told that financial security is the answer.

No, I'm not suggesting that we should endeavor to be poor or at the end of our rope. What I am saying is that "where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

Advertisers, and particularly the chemical pharmaceutical companies, spend billions to convince you that the answer to your problems lies in a pill.

We are treated like sheep, like children, even worse. We are treated as if we were animals: just chemicals, hormones, and stimulus response animals.

Until you fully grasp that you are a human being with a soul, and until you find the secret to the power of good available within to resolve problems, you will be at the mercy of those who want power over you.

Whenever we look to outside person, object, goal or substance for security, we become externalized and dependent. This leads to greater insecurity. Just think back to the last time you desperately wanted some outcome (even if it was making a putt on the golf course!). Your insecurity and anxiety increased.

The answer is within. The answer is in learning to become objective and aware, functioning from intuition, with faith, and the guiding of intuitive understanding, and the protection of God's inner Light. The answer is to trust more in your own God given intuition than in what others say.

So long as you look to the world for answers, for love, or for some sort of ego validation, you will remain tied to the world and dependent on it. You will become resentful when others betray you.

So long as you are externalized, when a change occurs, when the rain falls, the economy falters, or the customers aren't buying, you will become upset and frustrated.

Learn to go through life with equanimity. Do not become overly excited when things go well. Don't become crestfallen when they don't. Remember: man does not live by bread alone, but by every word from the mouth of God.

Also remember that other people are lost too. Others are externalized. They have not found the answer. No one loved them enough to tell them the truth. No one had the understanding to share with them the inner path to God.

Therefore you must not hate other people. Many of us have grudges against our parents for not guiding us properly and for letting something bad happen to us. Just remember: they could not give you what they did not have themselves. Also know that hatred and resentment cuts you off from inner love.

Self reliance, composure, and independence is what you need. When you are totally dependent on your Creator within, then you will no longer be dependent on outside security or love. And when you no longer need love, you will be able to give love.

But lo and behold, when you no longer are desperate for love, security or anything else, then chances are that things will turn around. Good things will come your way, people will seek you out (and you won't drive them away with your clinging need). You will begin to relate to everything properly.

Begin by letting go of your resentments against others, beginning with those closest to you. Stop looking to the world for love and guidance. Stand back and observe. Listen to what people have to say without reacting emotionally for or against them. When you read, don't get absorbed. Instead scan lightly for clues.

. . . . . .visit our healing relationships blog

Avoiding Divorce By Giving Up Resentment

2009-06-09T17:55:00.000-07:00

I Love My Husband But We Fight All the Time

2009-04-14T18:15:00.000-07:00

"I Resent My Husband"

2009-03-08T17:09:00.000-07:00

"My husband irritates me and makes me angry. He sits around and won't talk and I soon find myself nagging him just to get him to respond. He acts like everything is fine when it isn't.

I get so sick of him dumping all the responsibility on me. He won't help me discipline the kids.

He just won't listen to me. When I suggested counseling, he refuses. I don't want to resent my husband but I can't help it."

Hi, my name is Dr. Roland Trujillo PhD and author of 11 books. All wives resent their husbands. The following are excerpts from one of my most popular articles "What is the Number One Cause of Divorce" and which is also a chapter in my new book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage

Are you stressed out? Have you noticed that when you are resentful, you become more sensitive to life's little issues? When you are stressed at work, do you come home and easily lose patience with your kids? Do you come home and resent your husband over some little things that he does?

Do you get angry at slow traffic or slow grocery lines? Would terms like "exasperated, nervous, irritated, or impatient" describe you?

If so, you are probably over-reacting. And the worst reaction of all is that of resentment. It sets you up for becoming increasingly sensitive to what you might otherwise take in stride. . . . . . . . . . . .

I can honestly tell you that the number one reason for marriage break ups and relationship problems is resentment.

I understand why people become resentful. When things aren't going well or when others don't seem to understand us or our needs, that's when we need love, patience and understanding the most.

New. Read Roland's funny but cogent poem about marriage

We don't have it within because we are already destabilized and not in our center. So we look for love and understanding from others. And when they don't have it: we become resentful.

What I have discovered in my 21 years of writing and talking to people about resentment is this: when things aren't going right, we look to change things on the outside.

And of course our most frequent first choice is to try to change the our partner. But you have found that this doesn't work. Whether it is your partner, your child, or your parent--trying to change another person makes things worse. Either people resist our manipulations and rebel; or else they fall for our manipulations and become weak and dependent.

So here is the answer. Instead of looking to the outside for love, or looking to the outside to try to change someone, I have found that it is most helpful to first look at two things: one, our resentment; and two, our over-reactions that destabilize us in the first place.

Another thing--resentment ushers in a cascade of emotions, like anger, frustration, unhappiness, and bitterness. It can also lead to suppression and repression, guilt, and feeling trapped. Then there are the physical symptoms that are contributed to by resentment.

Bottom line: a lot of times when we don't like ourselves--it is actually resentment that is the initiating factor. Sooooooo, if you could just let go of the resentment . . . .

If you could learn to stand back and observe others without resentment or upset--understanding, patience and compassion could enter the picture. Secondly, you would begin to see clearly (when the emotional fog has cleared) what is really going on. So you could make better, calmer, and reasonable decisions.

"A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers."
-- Ruth Bell Graham

People often say it is hard to let go of resentment. l can show you how to let go of resentment. I even have a little free meditation that helps you calm down and get started.

New! The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is now available in quality paperback at Amazon.com
The price for this 315 page book is $14.50. A portion of all eStore sales is donated to help homeless pets at animal shelters. The rest helps Roland help others. Buy now.

For a donation of any amount, get The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage in pdf. format as a token of our appreciation.

For over 20 years, Roland, California's popular advice radio host, has been helping couples repair their relationships and move forward to optimal living.

Roland is now bringing his insights,
based in compassion and spiritual principles, to a new level in this unique look at the perils, pitfalls, and promises of relationships.

Why do we argue? How can I be more forgiving? Does divorce affect the kids? Can I save my marriage? My wife cheated on me-now what? My husband annoys me. Can we reconcile?

This long awaited book answers these questions and more. For years, listeners have thrilled to hear Roland on the radio. Now his advice for couples is crystallized in this unique look at relationships. Roland talks about the “how” of loving, forgiving, and reconciling. He will help you understand how resentment blocks love, and how to become unblocked.

Roland even explains how the ancient story of Adam and Eve is still repeated in homes today. This book is for anyone interested in relationships, why they get in trouble, and how to repair them

To preview and purchase in eBook to download to your computer or mobile device at Scribd for $9.95, click here